Quit Trying to Win the Quarantine

That’s it. It should go without saying, but I guess it has to be said. Please, for the love of toilet paper, quit trying to win the quarantine.

We win, by surviving it.

Pre-Cornavirus, social media was already the ultimate humble bragging platform.

I can barely button my jeans from high school after giving (natural) birth to baby #4. Oh well.

Maverick and Iris will only eat vegetables, they don’t even like processed food ;) #justsaynotogoldfishcrackers

During shelter-in-place we are being visually bombarded by Pinterest-Mom’s everywhere, attempting to showcase their family thriving during this madness. While the color-coded progress charts have dwindled significantly from week 2, we don’t want to see your homemade hand-print pots your husband helped your six kids make for Mother’s Day. This sh** is actually bananas, I don’t need a recipe for your low-fat bran-banana muffins.

It would be one thing if you’re trying to stay connected with family and friends by spreading some joy or hope, but inviting me to start a Virtual 30–Day Detox Challenge, while doing push-ups with your kids, is not inspiring me to do anything but block your account. If getting into shape is your biggest challenge during this time, consider yourself #blessed. Most of us are not in our houses trying to come out the other side with bilingual, potty-trained, scholars—we are just trying to make it out, period.

The irony, however is now we actually need social media to witness a-day-in-the-life of those we love. I would give anything to wrap my arms around my nephew’s little body and sniff his head like a bouquet of flowers. But in the meantime, I am thrilled to watch him describe, every type of moving vehicle with wheels, their color, size, and purpose. Do they happen to make a noise? Perfect! Make them loud enough so my sister mistakes it for a goat mid-aneurism.

Most people are taking a much-needed social media break. If we do happen to scroll through, the most motivational posts these days are ones owning the fact that THIS IS HARD. People are actually dying Karen, so no I don’t care to try your new space saving pantry organizational system.

We need the uplifting stories, we need resources, and we need acknowledgment of healthcare workers. Stop reading about America’s utter failure under tragic leadership and the country club elite/WWE fans, who take issue with anyone telling them what to do. We win by listening to doctors and scientists and using other countries successes, that could be our successes.  

If you haven’t already done so, I recommend deleting NextDoor entirely, unless you use it for 3am feeding entertainment, like I do. Those engaging in “let’s passive-aggressively police our neighbors” through proper face mask etiquette and parent-shaming, are so up on their high horse, they actually believe they are providing society with a necessary service. I read a thread where one gentlemen suggested the greenbelt only be used for walkers and instead of running “runners should consider jumping rope somewhere away from pedestrians”. Another women told parents not to allow their children to ride bikes and scooters anywhere near her driveway. Clearly, there are no winners here.

Congratulations on your quarantine creativity, creating a biodegradable “Life Cycle of the Butterfly” diorama. We will just be over here eating raw cookie dough for breakfast, while the kids start their second consecutive of what I call “homeschooling” by YouTube.