Costco and the Death of Good Parenting

Upon entering Costco, you are instantly hit with a wave of post-zombie apocalyptic warfare where everyone is just trying to survive. There is no cart etiquette, manners, or human decency of any kind and it strikes you as the perfect place for Donald Trump to register his voters.

Costco is the one store where nobody cares that I have a cart full of children. In fact, I actually feel grossly inadequate in the kids department, because only the Brady Bunch has the need for that many tortilla chips. Just like the DMV, nothing good can possibly come from a family trip to Costco, but in an effort to promote fairness I have made a pros and cons list.

The pros

Thanks to the samples I don’t have to pay for or prepare lunch.

A game of hide and seek is an excellent way to see if your child will respond to their name being called over the loud speaker.

The cons

The marketing genius behind the snack aisle recognized that by placing it 2 rows away from the checkout most parents have not only lost their will to live, but also their ability to say no.

It is not a good place to teach your kids how to form any resemblance of a straight line.

My kids don’t like anything long enough for “bulk” sizing.

 

Hopefully my children can make it in this world on their good looks and charm since there won’t be money left for college, when we walk in needing milk and come out with a Vitamix and four pounds of bacon. 

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The Sister Seesaw

In between playing referee and crisis manager, I get to play my favorite role: happy observer. Hearing my kids giggle and play games with each other is every parent of two’s ultimate goal and perhaps my single biggest selling point in convincing my mommy partners in crime that having a second isn't totally insane. Having two is a perpetual seesaw of up and down where you are the midpoint; always striving for a balance.  

The first thing everyone said when I told them we were having another girl (besides “Oh is your husband disappointed?”) was they will be so close growing up! I knew this would be true because I absolutely adore my older sister, although I do have several scars from our weekly wrestling matches. But it is one thing to dream it and it is another to actually witness it.

When they said my oldest would become “Mommy’s little helper” I assumed they too were only fluent in the language of sarcasm. Aside from her regular role as official toy stealer and snack regulator, Charlotte has helped Madeleine learn to walk and is in the process of teaching her to talk. I know they love one another, but I think they are actually starting to like each other. 

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Expressions that Should be Trademarked for Parents

There are somethings we say casually in our BC (Before Children) lives that we shouldn't be allowed to say until the arrival of kids. I actually feel ridiculous that I ever said any of these things as a single, childless, carefree woman. I’m embarrassed. The following need to be trademarked expressions reserved for parents (patent pending). 

I’m tired

If being tired were an Olympic Sport parents would get bronze, silver, and gold. But you wouldn't actually get to keep the metal since it’s shiny, so it obviously goes directly in your kid's mouth and then they’ll want to whip each other with it.

I need a day off

You cannot take a sick day from being a parent. Try telling your toddler that you don’t feel well. You’ll get one sticky pat on the face and then they’ll tell you to go make them a grilled cheese.

I have a song stuck in my head

It would be a gross under-exaggeration to say that we listen to Pharrell's Happy 100 times a day. That's actually a slow day for us. 

I’m losing my mind

I used to say this waiting in line at Starbucks or when my favorite novel was about to come out on the big screen. I now reserve that statement for a double car meltdown while stuck in traffic, when I desperately need to pee. 

I’m losing my patience

Before having children everyone should rescue 7 geriatric dogs, during a weekend of food poisoning, while trying to learn a second language and then you can experience one tenth of the patience it requires to raise a child. For two children double the amount of dogs and add a blind ferret. 

When my audience most days is a 10 month old and a 2 and a half year old, I get no sympathy whatsoever, but I do get lots of love. 

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