The Parenthood Percentage

If you are like me the math portion of your brain got derailed by Shakespeare and so you married an engineer ensuring your children would obtain equal parts English major, equal parts mathematical genius which is destined to produce some well-rounded offspring. I have come up with a formula that I will coin the Parenthood Percentage. As you will quickly notice these numbers do not add up to 100%, which means my formula is flawed, just like my parenting. Those of you looking forward to becoming parents or are living to tell the tale can refer to these like you do your vitamin label, but substitute 100% vitamin C for 100% love and chaos.

20% stepping on toys with your bare feet and trying not to curse.

67% opening your mouth and hearing your parent’s words come out.

92% repeating these phrases: please stop, because I said so, I love you.

30% hearing them play happily and waiting for the inevitable scream.

36% worrying about the next strain of bird or goat flu.

44% using words like “blessed” and “grateful” that in your former life would make you gag and roll your eyes.

71% enduring other people’s “words of wisdom” that you don’t remember asking for.

1% sleeping, but 99% complaining about not sleeping.

82% looking for shoes, 18% putting them on.

27% finding the karmic hilarity in all your quirks and stubbornness reflected so perfectly in your tiny human clones.

100% grateful that this is now your life.

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