Birth is nothing like they show in the movies or on TV. Yes, there is sweating, but other than that what they show looks more like a confusing gynecology appointment where they hand you a 6 month old baby lightly dipped in jelly only to whisk them away so you have a few moments to make-out with your husband (no tongue though, let's keep it classy).
First of all there is no sheet covering your lady parts. By this time the orderly who delivered your meals has not only seen you on the toilet, but has probably caught a pretty good peep show of your butt. Remember those “breathable” robes they have you wear during your monthly trips to the gyno? That’s your attire for the next several days. They only open in the back and going commando is a requirement. I remember being confused because I had packed special granny panties just for the occasion, but apparently they were blocking the only exit route and it was most definitely an emergency, not a drill. This is your orientation into nudity 24/7, so if you were modest before you are quickly cured and now adequately prepared for the boobie festival in your future, if you choose to breastfeed.
You do not swear at your partner (but your language is not child friendly). There is no directed blame, just a general panic because this cannot possibly be right. No human is meant to survive this level of pain. Enter the anesthesiologist, aka your new BFF, and from that moment on you are no longer in a scene of Alien Vs. Predator. Hollywood, evidently, has outlawed epidurals however because giant needles are not quite as sexy as what is pictured below.
No one cares if you poop (and my apologies but you will probably throw up). This and any mention of the placenta has to be shielded from the silver screen because birth should only be beautiful. Whenever I see this as a list of fears from expecting mothers I always laugh out loud. Your world is about to be so incredibly rocked by the shocking amount of bodily functions, some are yours but most come from your child, that a little bit of poop never killed anyone. In fact, if it gets the baby out faster somehow you will wish you had Indian Food as your last supper.
Now that you have read this and scheduled your elective C-Section, I will tell you the good news. Birthing my daughter is the most powerful, incredible thing that I’ve ever done. Post-delivery, you are a superhero because you’ve created life and it’s here in your arms. That feeling stays with you forever and your decision to have more children has nothing to do with what did or did not occur in the delivery room. So first-time moms, please turn off Knocked Up, any birthing episode from Friends and the YouTube clip of “Woman Gives Birth to a 10 Pound Baby in the Car”, you are about to write your own delivery room drama and it’s got your baby’s name written all over it.