We quickly learn that motherhood is about survival, and if life was like Lost, certain types of Moms should quickly be swallowed up by the smoke monster. As they say, "it takes a village to raise a baby" and we simply have no patience left for any of the following villagers:
The One-Upper Mother
The queen of all annoying Mother acquaintances has to be the one-upper.
“My daughter was walking at 10 months.”
“Mine actually just walked right out of me.”
Or, “She has 4 teeth now.”
“Mine is getting her molars.”
Well bite me.
The Passive-Aggressive Bragger
“Did your child struggle with sleeping through the night?”
“Yes, it took him FOREVER to get there. By six weeks old he was only sleeping 6-7 hour stretches and it was killing me.”
How terrible for you!
Or, “How did you lose the last 5 pounds of baby weight?”
“Actually I only gained 10 pounds total so the doctor wanted me to gain weight after my pregnancy since I lost it all too quickly.”
We are no longer friends.
There are about a thousand things to worry about each day of parenthood. Did they get enough vegetables? Why aren’t their poops ever the same color? The whole purpose of Mom friends is to take turns telling each other:
a. It will be alright b. That’s totally normal.
One type of mother clearly missed the memo.
“I have to change my daughter’s diaper standing up because she won’t lay down.”
“Oh that’s weird.”
Or, “Should I be worried that my one year old Megan still isn’t saying anything?”
“Yeah, I would definitely check that out with your pediatrician.”
Why do I need to, clearly you have all the right answers.
The One-Way Conversationalist
These Moms have obviously spent too much time around children who are not yet verbal. No matter where you are the conversation becomes a vacuum that always sucks you back around to them and their family.
“My cousin just got married in Hawaii. It was really beautiful.”
“We are going to the Bahamas again over Christmas break to renew our wedding vows.”
Or, “My dog is really sick. I’m not sure if he is going to make it.”
“We cannot have pets because Charlie is allergic.”
You have the social tact of your toddler.
If you spot any of the aforementioned Moms out in the world strolling with their children, I suggest that be the moment you and your baby take up power jogging.