The Top 5 Questions We’ve All Asked, BC (Before Children)

Now, for your entertainment purposes: asked and answered.

1). Question: Don't you ever wipe their face?

Answer: To answer this question you must first determine how you feel about tears, screaming, and being swatted. God help you if you have to blow their nose.

2). Question: Why are their clothes always dirty?

Answer: From the moment they get up in the morning the gravitational pull of dirt, food, and dog hair shifts in the room towards your child's clothes. And as we all know, you can’t fight gravity.

3). Question: Why does a baby have so much stuff?

Answer: For something that is roughly the size of a small poodle, their wardrobe is easily quadruple the size of yours and your husband’s combined. Slowly but surely you will have to remove one item that fits an adults sized tushie to make way for something that only fits a baby’s, until every visitor is forced to sit on the floor while your baby floats comfortably in a Mamaroo that costs more than what that guy from Craigslist paid you for your couch.

4). Question: How hard could it really be?

Answer: Remember that incredibly annoying drunk person on your dorm floor Freshmen year that you, being the responsible one, always ended up babysitting? They thought it would be fun to climb on the back of your couch, singing the lyrics to “Do you know the Muffin Man”, half naked, with cereal spraying out of their mouth. This is your life 24/7.

5). Questions: Why can’t parents talk about anything besides their kids?

Answer: To us, nothing else is even half as interesting. My oldest daughter is learning the ABCs and my youngest giggles when you lift her over your head and I made those people, but please tell me again how “awesome” your burrito was yesterday.

Of course AD (After Darlings) they’ll be lots more questions such as, was there ever a match to this sock or how can they call it a 4 month sleep regression when they were never sleeping through the night in the first place? Just wait until your children can talk and then I'm sure they will be happy to take over the question and answer portion of the program. 

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