Asking for a Friend

It’s perfectly normal to question everything as parents. Moms everywhere are having the exact same beginning of conversation that sound like this:

“Hey do your kids ever…?” or “How many times have you _____?”

If our friends pause too long or stare blankly back at you, this is when we are forced to tack on—

“I’m just asking for a friend”.

(As a side note, I strongly suggest changing up your friend-group to a judgement-free zone and hanging with people that will nod along supportively even if they are secretly thinking WTF kind of animal circus are you running?)

Here is a list I’ve complied of the best questions, we parents, have secretly asked:

No shirt, no shoes, no services never applies to children right?

How many times have you eaten dessert in your pantry because you didn't want to share?

You know those signs that say don’t drink from the hose, irrigation water in use—does running through the sprinklers with their mouths open count?

How do I explain why girls need to pee sitting down?

How many lollipop bribes in a day is considered too many?


Are pants in the car really just a formality?

Does it count as sleeping through the night, when I don’t remember if I got up with them?

About what age should I stop listening to music with explicit lyrics in the car?

Does the 10 second rule apply off a public bathroom floor or should it be more like 3 seconds?

What is the difference between yelling and speaking loudly at my kids? 

Do you ever wake up to your children roaming like free-range chickens around your house and wonder what time they started?

Where should I dump the poop when my kids use their little potty on the side of the road?


Obviously none of these are true for my family, I’m just asking for a friend.

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A Second Shot at Two

I remember it well: I had 3 minutes to get everyone into the car and so naturally this was the day my youngest decided to first utter the phrase, “I do it myself.” Just like coming into contact with the Death Eaters from Harry Potter, I could feel the life-force being sucked out of me. These particular words (in various forms) exhaust parents everywhere; add 20 minutes of lag time to your exit strategy and an extra shot in your latte. If you aren’t using some sort of under eye night cream, start. Envision the amount of patience you’d need to sit at an NRA sponsored Trump rally (so really just a rally) and then quadrupole it and that should cover you until about 9am on any given Tuesday with a two-year-old. 

Since this is my second shot with a two year old, I have complied a list that can help you through this stage of "I can do it myself" that coincidently coincides with: limited dexterity, pig-headed stubbornness, and world class meltdowns.

1). Find shoes that a blind chimpanzee could put on and buy 4 pairs (for your car, front door, back door, and an emergency pair for when, not if, all those others get lost).

2). Don’t hand them anything that shatters when thrown. Everything they handle should be the consistency of string cheese—for your safety and the safety of your Magnolia Market knick knacks.

3). Avoid purchasing any food that you yourself aren’t able to open blindfolded with your feet.

4). Never and I mean never give them your cellphone. Not only will you have to deal with the judgy-eyed ladies at Target that use expressions like "In my day...", but you will quickly lose social media followers with your posts of: “--vbbnnnmnmmnnmmm    n” followed by angled pictures directly up your kid's nostrils.

5). Never purchase clothes with zippers or buttons unless you enjoy spending the majority of the day standing in your front entry way and never actually leaving the house.

6). If you say “yes” to something once, an unwavering precedent has been set—so think really carefully about telling them they can peal their own hardboiled egg.


I love raising my fierce, independent little women but there is just something about two-year-old’s that makes everything twice as terribly hard. 

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The Plight of the Pacifier

One of the soothing staples in our household is the pacifier. My children know it as a “bee-bo” and it was a magical device up until my husband and I would regularly have conversations that sounded like:

“I couldn’t find the bee-bo with the rocket on it and that’s the only one that Charlotte says is “the good one” so she cried until we found the Mickey one which apparently is also acceptable.” I highly suggest sprinkling this sentences into your wedding vows, because I guarantee in your wedded bliss no one anticipates spousal arguments at midnight over whose turn it is to locate the good binky.


Feel free to substitute pacifier for anything to make our struggle relatable: bottles, blankets, boobies. We hold on tight to anything that makes our jobs as parents a little easier. Until it makes everything harder and that is where we landed. There are over 137 different ways to quit this habit but rather than fairies or fancy tricks we went cold turkey. As a rebuttal for going cold turkey—I had my 2-year-old boycott naps all together for 5 days and my 4-year-old waking up every hour in a sleepy haze, crying for her bee-bo like a nicotine junkie jonesing for a cigarette or the patch. Only there is no patch for this and I know a little something about addiction and half measures avail us nothing. Thankfully, in the most dramatic of fashions, I threw all 23 pacifiers in a garbage can in a parking structure in Sacramento, because I knew at 3 in the morning I would go dig them out of our own trash and be so tempted to cave to ease their “suffering”.

Knowing what I do now, would I go back in time and not put that tiny piece of plastic in my baby’s mouth to avoid the last week of hell? Nah, it has allowed me: many peaceful car rides, the precious few extra minutes of sleep and so many Stroller Strides workouts I couldn’t possibly count. The bee-bos have served their purpose and are gone for good, but I do promise to stand by you, children of mine, until you have learned to self-sooth in sickness and in health and in our new life together without pacifiers.


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