Week 1 Recap
Hold onto your seats folks, we are about to be riding high with love-taking-flight analogies this season. I will be your in-flight entertainment, however, I will not be providing you with an airsick bag--but I have a feeling, we are going to need one.
The only thing more depressing than Hannah Ann’s Paint and Sip “art” to Peter is all the plastic surgery in the form of filler and lip injections these 25-year-olds feel like they needed in order to get Peter’s attention. He’s a 6 at best ladies, a 7 when he’s flying his plane in a bomber jacket, leave your poor faces alone! It sure doesn’t help the cause though, when Peter gives his first impression rose to one of the youngest girls in the mansion who also happens to be a model.
On the very first group date, the girls tested their ability to keep their implants in an upright and locked position in a glorified sex swing, but since this is ABC, it was a “turbulence simulator." Victoria P’s hot-for-teacher look wasn’t enough to snag the group date rose, but rather it was given to Kelley, who won by cheating in the baby poop slip n’slide towards Peter’s heart. She’s already disliked by the rest of the “cats and rats” because of a previous encounter at a hotel lobby which the couple declared to be fate--when more likely it was an after-party booze-induced coincidence that LA just happens to be filled with hot drunk people looking for their 5-minutes.
Thankfully, the producers recognized that Peter’s appeal comes from his parents, notably his dad’s Magnum PI stache, and so Madison snagged the first date with Peter for a vow renewal at his parent’s house followed by dinner and country concert afterward. Because if we’ve learned anything about this franchise through the years, it's that they love country music almost as much as they love picking safe, fratty white guys as the Bachelor.
On the final group date of the episode, we get Hannah Brown’s soliloquy entitled, “The Windmill,” where we all take turns cringing in horror that not only are crop tops back in style, but the sight of all this competition is making her thirsty for round 5. Within the confines of Hannah’s dressing room, we learn the importance of waterproof mascara and that maybe the cockpit to Peter’s heart still has room in it for the Beast. Let’s all tune in next week as Hannah rejects Peter for the third time, as she waltzes into the studio next door that’s filming “Dancing with the Stars."