Babyhood 2.0

There are things that I never knew to appreciate about a baby until I had a second one.  A lot of it has to do with understanding the differences between a baby and a toddler, and while I have less time to sit and bask in the glory of my tiniest human, I gratefully recognize what I missed in my new mom fog two years ago. 

1). I don’t have to work for a smile.

Most times I can just look at Madeleine and she smiles at me. One time I smiled at Charlotte and she simply shook her head and said, “No Mama.”

2). Babies can literally sleep anywhere through anything. 

Getting a toddler to sleep requires more steps than assembling Ikea furniture. 

3). Babies are a cheap date.

I simply pack up my boobs with me and go. Toddlers need snacks, a beverage, meals and more snacks. 

4). I can eat or drink anything without having to share.

I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight thanks to a lot of hard work with #Fit4Mom but also because I'm on a strict toddler implemented diet plan called half portions or "my cracker". 

5). Babies are low maintenance.

Toddlers needs are incredibly random and yet very specific. For example I wanted Charlotte to wear a bow in her hair for gymnastics to keep her hair out of her eyes. It had to be the bow with the cupcakes on it that was downstairs, but first we had to cry about it, ruffle our freshly brushed hair, and then I had to come up with some sort of bribery exchange where she would wear it but only for an actual cupcake (for more examples see “Why is my Toddler Crying”). Little does Charlotte know that the “cupcakes” I make are actually muffins with vegetables in them. 

Now when I hold my baby, I know to appreciate her just as she is in that moment and I watch her for a few seconds longer in hopes that I can slow down the clock. I’ve learned that if I look up too fast, she’ll be a toddler. 

Parenting Problems

We don't mean to whine or complain, God knows we hear enough of that from our toddlers, but whether you have one child or ten: the struggle is real. 

Here is a list of very real problems for parents:

1). The steps involved in getting out of the house feel reminiscent to that of getting a man on the moon.  

2). You have arrived places with spit up on your clothes or in your hair and while non-parents looked at you with a face of utter repulsion you smiled and used your hand to “wipe it off”.

3). The bathroom is now a group activity: showers, baths, toilets, hand washing and when it does happen alone you feel like it was a misappropriation of your time.

4). Your house is coated in a thin layer of milk.

5). No matter how laid back you are as a parent, almost every outing feels like some sort of crisis hostage negotiation.

6). You are granted no off days which is twofold: you literally have no days off and you are not allowed to feel “off” either.

7). It can sound almost creepy the way you describe missing sleep to other people.

8). Good, bad, or ugly people find the need to comment on your “mom body”.

9). Everyone seems very concerned with how you are sleeping, but at 2 am they are nowhere to be found.

10). The idea of “sister wives” or compound living doesn’t actually sound all that crazy anymore because, frankly, you would love the extra help. 

11). Your toddler can sense when you are about to lose your mind and it's that moment they decide to flick their sibling's ear for the first time.

12). A game of peekaboo or snuggles can quickly turn into a very real thing called suffocating the baby. 

Everyday feels like a game run by tiny dictators, where you don't understand the rules and no one can explain them to you, but don't worry, they will all change again tomorrow anyways. 

BYOB (Bring Your Own Baby)

BC (Before Children) I was meeting a friend, who had a 5 month old, for coffee.

“So will you be bringing the baby?” I asked.

She kind of laughed and said, “Well, yeah.”

In my child-free state of mind I thought maybe she could just Mary Poppins-up a babysitter for those two hours so we could have some drool free girl talk. Was that too much to ask?

Fast forward, two children later and I can now say I have been on the receiving end of that statement and I know exactly why she laughed. No, it is not too much to ask, but I will require:

a). Notice of at least 24 hours to find childcare.

b). Some understanding that if you want to spend time with me, most of the time, my kids and I are a package deal.

c). Some damn good coffee.

In turn we understand, somewhat begrudgingly, that we will not be invited as many places. For instance, somewhere with white couches or, you know, anywhere that requires an ID.

Many weddings specifically say adults only, after all it’s their day and they probably don’t want to risk the very real possibility that just as the bride is making her entrance, your child decides that this is the best moment to sing the theme from Frozen. Some baby showers aren’t even child friendly because, ewww children.

BC, you will most definitely say to yourself the following statements:

a). I don’t want to be one of those parents that have to take their kids with them everywhere, we will need to have some quality adult time.

b). My social circle and life can’t possibly change that much.

c). My kids will be very flexible and little angels at all of our red carpet events.

Luckily the ABCs of parenthood are fluid. While the best news is you will be much too busy to keep track of all the ways the arrival of your children make your former self sound ridiculous and thankfully most days you are all too happy having your very own private party. 

My party of 4