Toddler Logic

Welcome to the world of toddler logic. It is frustrating and confusing and then whatever your children are feeling. If your idea of a great time is arguing about trying to find the purple cup that makes the “slurpy slurpy” noise at 7am, boy is this the age group for you. I have spelled out for you a few pieces of “logic” that my two and a half year old has taught me along the way.

Toilet paper goes in the potty therefore ALL the toilet paper goes in the potty.

If at first you don’t succeed, try screaming.

It is either wonderful or terrible and can be nothing in-between.

Slide traffic can get backed up, so I’ll just have to climb up harder.

If I hold out long enough in public, somehow I can always earn a lollipop.

Because everyone is always telling me to share...

I get a band aid if I pout, point and say “boo boo” and two if the spot of my injury quickly relocates.

Once you can begin to decipher their logic everyone’s life becomes easier, except of course yours.

Tips for a Babysitter

One of the realest moments in motherhood thus far, second only to when my children were actually coming out of me, was leaving them with a babysitter. I have accepted that I am old enough to now be someone’s mother, but how can I be old enough to need a babysitter?

It has taken tiny-micro steps to get here since my children are certifiably obsessed with me, which sounds endearing and lovely until I actually need to walk out the door. If I could go back in time and tell my 13 year old babysitting self the following forms of flattery and finesse, I could have charged a whole lot more than $5 an hour:

1). Your kids are brilliant and independently-minded, which is obviously a testament to your exceptional parenting abilities.

2). Your children are gorgeous and even though they are Caucasian, they could be in Gap ads.

3). I was able to find everything I needed because of your Martha Stewart, and not at all Type A, organizational skills.

4). We ran laps at the park because I knew it would help them sleep well for you tonight.

5). While your kids were sharing beautifully, I took it upon myself to mop the floor, fold the laundry (minus your undies, because, well, boundaries) and cook you dinner.

6). Lastly, and most importantly, absolutely no new developmental milestones were reached while you were gone.

Costco and the Death of Good Parenting

Upon entering Costco, you are instantly hit with a wave of post-zombie apocalyptic warfare where everyone is just trying to survive. There is no cart etiquette, manners, or human decency of any kind and it strikes you as the perfect place for Donald Trump to register his voters.

Costco is the one store where nobody cares that I have a cart full of children. In fact, I actually feel grossly inadequate in the kids department, because only the Brady Bunch has the need for that many tortilla chips. Just like the DMV, nothing good can possibly come from a family trip to Costco, but in an effort to promote fairness I have made a pros and cons list.

The pros

Thanks to the samples I don’t have to pay for or prepare lunch.

A game of hide and seek is an excellent way to see if your child will respond to their name being called over the loud speaker.

The cons

The marketing genius behind the snack aisle recognized that by placing it 2 rows away from the checkout most parents have not only lost their will to live, but also their ability to say no.

It is not a good place to teach your kids how to form any resemblance of a straight line.

My kids don’t like anything long enough for “bulk” sizing.

Hopefully my children can make it in this world on their good looks and charm since there won’t be money left for college, when we walk in needing milk and come out with a Vitamix and four pounds of bacon.