Expressions that Should be Trademarked for Parents

There are somethings we say casually in our BC (Before Children) lives that we shouldn't be allowed to say until the arrival of kids. I actually feel ridiculous that I ever said any of these things as a single, childless, carefree woman. I’m embarrassed. The following need to be trademarked expressions reserved for parents (patent pending). 

I’m tired

If being tired were an Olympic Sport parents would get bronze, silver, and gold. But you wouldn't actually get to keep the metal since it’s shiny, so it obviously goes directly in your kid's mouth and then they’ll want to whip each other with it.

I need a day off

You cannot take a sick day from being a parent. Try telling your toddler that you don’t feel well. You’ll get one sticky pat on the face and then they’ll tell you to go make them a grilled cheese.

I have a song stuck in my head

It would be a gross under-exaggeration to say that we listen to Pharrell's Happy 100 times a day. That's actually a slow day for us. 

I’m losing my mind

I used to say this waiting in line at Starbucks or when my favorite novel was about to come out on the big screen. I now reserve that statement for a double car meltdown while stuck in traffic, when I desperately need to pee. 

I’m losing my patience

Before having children everyone should rescue 7 geriatric dogs, during a weekend of food poisoning, while trying to learn a second language and then you can experience one tenth of the patience it requires to raise a child. For two children double the amount of dogs and add a blind ferret. 

When my audience most days is a 10 month old and a 2 and a half year old, I get no sympathy whatsoever, but I do get lots of love. 

THE FUNNY PLACES MY MIND GOES WHEN MY 9 MONTH OLD STARTS WALKING

So when I have my baby, that I literally just gave birth to yesterday, taking six steps in the kitchen chasing after a long-lost orange, I can see flashes of what lies ahead of us and this is where my mommy mind goes…

Someday they will be weeping over the lead singer of the latest boy band with bad hair and a baby face and I will say he is “cute” and they’ll tell me, “Ewww Mom, you are so old”.

Someday my two teenage daughters will come to me as a united front on some “important” issues like getting a cell phone or when they will be allowed to start shaving their legs.  

Someday they will beg me for a body piercing because “Edward” at their high school said it would look “sexy” (yes my generation of moms have actually named their children after characters from Twilight #TeamJacob).

Someday they will come to me asking if they can take a year off before college to “find themselves” and backpack through Europe with their best friend because their “cool” parents already said yes.

Someday I will drop both of my children off at school and realize that this is how other people survive having 5 kids. 

Someday they will start playing a musical instrument and it’ll sound truly terrible but I’ll have to clap, cheer, and pretend they are Mozart.

Someday our entire weekend will be filled with softball or volleyball tournaments and we'll have to get some sort of sport utility vehicle just to carry all the chairs, umbrellas and enormous personalized cheering banners I'll have made with the sole purpose of embarrassing my girls. 

My sister and I are guilty of all of these and so unfortunately I know it is not a matter of if, but when. Someday these things will happen, thankfully though, someday is not today. 

The DMV & Extreme Parenting

My two year old loves to play pretend with my wallet and so naturally of all the cards she could lose my driver’s license was the one to go missing. Bring on preschool, puberty and Prom, we all made it through a trip to the DMV. Everyone got dressed up because I am a firm believer in putting your best face forward in the face of extreme parenting. If I’m going to have people pitying me because my toddler is licking the line dividers, we better at least look good.

When we walked in with Charlotte refusing to hold my hand and Madeleine awkwardly dangling from the front pack, I could spot all the other mothers immediately because they were the only ones with sympathy in their eyes, while everyone else was calculating how much longer we just added to their wait time. It’s hard enough to fill out forms with your two year old eating snacks on the ground, while simultaneously googling “what diseases can children get from eating food off of a public floor”, but it is nearly impossible with tiny t-Rex arms hanging from your body. The *cough cough* friendly woman at the first window had explained that if I made a mistake we’d have to come back up and practice our standing in line skills again, but no pressure. Luckily I had made an appointment and so we moved to the elite, well-prepared group that I would pick for my team if we all suddenly erupted into a game of DMV dodgeball. This was the moment Madeleine and Charlotte decided to do an enchanting rendition of their back and forth screaming love song, which sadly sealed our fate as last pick. 

Just when my children and I had reached our emotional limit we were shuffled towards a kiosk so I could register to vote. Charlotte helped me push the buttons, but when she almost registered me as a “Republican”, I scolded her louder than when she tried to color her tongue with the DMV community pen and she knew Mommy meant business (sorry Allie!). Finally we exited out to where a mom and her 16 year old daughter were waiting for her to take her driving test with the instructor. I kissed both of my girls, giving time permission to slow down and left just then realizing that this would be our least eventful trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles.