THE FUNNY PLACES MY MIND GOES WHEN MY 9 MONTH OLD STARTS WALKING

So when I have my baby, that I literally just gave birth to yesterday, taking six steps in the kitchen chasing after a long-lost orange, I can see flashes of what lies ahead of us and this is where my mommy mind goes…

Someday they will be weeping over the lead singer of the latest boy band with bad hair and a baby face and I will say he is “cute” and they’ll tell me, “Ewww Mom, you are so old”.

Someday my two teenage daughters will come to me as a united front on some “important” issues like getting a cell phone or when they will be allowed to start shaving their legs.  

Someday they will beg me for a body piercing because “Edward” at their high school said it would look “sexy” (yes my generation of moms have actually named their children after characters from Twilight #TeamJacob).

Someday they will come to me asking if they can take a year off before college to “find themselves” and backpack through Europe with their best friend because their “cool” parents already said yes.

Someday I will drop both of my children off at school and realize that this is how other people survive having 5 kids. 

Someday they will start playing a musical instrument and it’ll sound truly terrible but I’ll have to clap, cheer, and pretend they are Mozart.

Someday our entire weekend will be filled with softball or volleyball tournaments and we'll have to get some sort of sport utility vehicle just to carry all the chairs, umbrellas and enormous personalized cheering banners I'll have made with the sole purpose of embarrassing my girls. 

My sister and I are guilty of all of these and so unfortunately I know it is not a matter of if, but when. Someday these things will happen, thankfully though, someday is not today. 

The DMV & Extreme Parenting

My two year old loves to play pretend with my wallet and so naturally of all the cards she could lose my driver’s license was the one to go missing. Bring on preschool, puberty and Prom, we all made it through a trip to the DMV. Everyone got dressed up because I am a firm believer in putting your best face forward in the face of extreme parenting. If I’m going to have people pitying me because my toddler is licking the line dividers, we better at least look good.

When we walked in with Charlotte refusing to hold my hand and Madeleine awkwardly dangling from the front pack, I could spot all the other mothers immediately because they were the only ones with sympathy in their eyes, while everyone else was calculating how much longer we just added to their wait time. It’s hard enough to fill out forms with your two year old eating snacks on the ground, while simultaneously googling “what diseases can children get from eating food off of a public floor”, but it is nearly impossible with tiny t-Rex arms hanging from your body. The *cough cough* friendly woman at the first window had explained that if I made a mistake we’d have to come back up and practice our standing in line skills again, but no pressure. Luckily I had made an appointment and so we moved to the elite, well-prepared group that I would pick for my team if we all suddenly erupted into a game of DMV dodgeball. This was the moment Madeleine and Charlotte decided to do an enchanting rendition of their back and forth screaming love song, which sadly sealed our fate as last pick. 

Just when my children and I had reached our emotional limit we were shuffled towards a kiosk so I could register to vote. Charlotte helped me push the buttons, but when she almost registered me as a “Republican”, I scolded her louder than when she tried to color her tongue with the DMV community pen and she knew Mommy meant business (sorry Allie!). Finally we exited out to where a mom and her 16 year old daughter were waiting for her to take her driving test with the instructor. I kissed both of my girls, giving time permission to slow down and left just then realizing that this would be our least eventful trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles. 

A Few of my Favorite Things

A friend of mine who's expecting her first baby recently asked me my favorite thing about having kids. It took me a second to respond since in that particular moment Madeleine was busy putting peanut butter on her dress, while Charlotte was scooping dirt onto her pants and every part of me wanted to answer "all the laundry".  If you’ve followed my journey from the beginning you know I don’t believe in sugar coating, since it is far too sticky and that just becomes one more thing I have to clean up. So here is an honest list of the ever-growing things I love about having kids.

1). Children are a special concocted blend of you and your partner's most frustrating qualities sent from heaven to test your patience and provide endless amounts of karmic hilarity.

2). On the flip-side, your children are a special concocted blend of you and your partner's most wonderful qualities sent from heaven to bring everyone joy.  

3). Your children are walking, talking, pooping little blobs of love. All day, every day you will experience some form of love from them. Whether it be a kiss, a laugh, or a loaded diaper with a smile. 

4). Just when you're ready to be fitted for a straight jacket, your child will do something so epically adorable that (almost) all will be forgiven.

5). Whenever I’m having a bad day I just take my kids out in the world to watch strangers admire, compliment, or attempt to squish their little cheeks and I use this as a metaphorical pat on the back that I must be doing something right as a mom.

These are just a few of my favorite things.