Dang, Darn, Drat!

Let's face it, when you stub your toe or your toddler discovers the nail polish and decides to “color” on the carpet, “darn” doesn't quite pack the same punch as other four letter words. Since I have a tiny, adorable parrot on my hands I must watch my words now more than ever; however these days I seem to be presented with so many more opportunities for profanity. 

1). When your baby puts a handful of playground sand straight into her mouth and you go to retrieve it, only to find more. 

2). The first time your child discovers how to remove their own diaper and naturally it's not a #1. 

When you dress your kids in darling matching outfits and put them in a sunflower field to capture a magical moment and your toddler uses this opportunity to poke her sister in the eye with hay.

3). Turning around to find your child licking a stray toy on the floor of the doctor’s office.

4). Your toddler pulling marinara sauce off a high shelf at the supermarket and you're busy searching for the pasta with extra gluten. 

5). Watching your healthy baby share snacks with a boogery child from across the room.

6). Walking into an non-childproofed all-white house, and your kids are packin’ fully loaded diapers and peanut butter fingers.

7). Unbeknownst to you, your toddler has had access to the sunscreen in her car seat for the entire 20 minute journey.

8). When your toddler's hair is soaking wet and the only access she's had to water is the toilet. 

9). Upon entering the kitchen you see your baby's legs Wicked Witch of the West style stuck in the doggie dog. 

10). When you accidentally swear in front of your two year old. 

Why 2 Year Olds Make Terrible Babysitters

Sometimes I can see the appeal of having your children 10 years apart, so your 10 year old can be mommy’s helper as opposed to Charlotte’s current role: the ultimate baby antagonizer. Don’t get me wrong she can be helpful, loving, and sweet with her sister, but when I let them “play” the following shenanigans are guaranteed to unfold:

1). Playful rough housing that ends in using the baby as an ottoman or step stool.

2). Dress-up that leads to temporary blindness and the inappropriate bending of limbs.

3). Random toddler toy inspections that result in immediate relocation.

4). Drive-by kissing and hugging where no one can be left standing.  

5). Musical chairs with mommy’s lap where there can only be one winner. 

6). Following the Golden Rule that girls must always go to the bathroom in pairs.

7). The dedication and follow through my toddler shows in ensuring her sister “laughs ‘til she cries”.

8). A 50/50 shot as to whether or not the item in transit will ever make it to the baby.

9). Most importantly, ensuring the baby remains humble when reaching her achievements and milestones.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Let’s face it children are not robots and they do so much more than just sleep, eat and cry. It’s so easy to be jealous of the suspiciously good baby, because not only is the mommy grass always greener, the lawn toys are organized alphabetically.

Each child has their own gifts and challenges. Here are the gifts that make me jealous and I wish upon all your children:

1). The Little Traveler

They are flexible little road trippers that love “Eye Spy” and quietly staring off into space.  

2). No Muss, No Fuss

The dressing and undressing portions of your day are unmemorable and happen without anyone screaming.

3). The Good Sleeper

They love sleep as much as you do.

4). The Good Eater

Your pet name for them is the "Human Garbage Disposal" or "HGD" for short. 

5). Chill, Baby

Even after a sugar rush you can call them mellow yellow.

6).The Stroller Strider

They are as happy as if they were riding on a pony at the fair.

It is important to keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect child, unless of course it’s yours.

The good news is that whatever the struggle, they always make it out the other side.