The DMV & Extreme Parenting

My two year old loves to play pretend with my wallet and so naturally of all the cards she could lose my driver’s license was the one to go missing. Bring on preschool, puberty and Prom, we all made it through a trip to the DMV. Everyone got dressed up because I am a firm believer in putting your best face forward in the face of extreme parenting. If I’m going to have people pitying me because my toddler is licking the line dividers, we better at least look good.

When we walked in with Charlotte refusing to hold my hand and Madeleine awkwardly dangling from the front pack, I could spot all the other mothers immediately because they were the only ones with sympathy in their eyes, while everyone else was calculating how much longer we just added to their wait time. It’s hard enough to fill out forms with your two year old eating snacks on the ground, while simultaneously googling “what diseases can children get from eating food off of a public floor”, but it is nearly impossible with tiny t-Rex arms hanging from your body. The *cough cough* friendly woman at the first window had explained that if I made a mistake we’d have to come back up and practice our standing in line skills again, but no pressure. Luckily I had made an appointment and so we moved to the elite, well-prepared group that I would pick for my team if we all suddenly erupted into a game of DMV dodgeball. This was the moment Madeleine and Charlotte decided to do an enchanting rendition of their back and forth screaming love song, which sadly sealed our fate as last pick. 

Just when my children and I had reached our emotional limit we were shuffled towards a kiosk so I could register to vote. Charlotte helped me push the buttons, but when she almost registered me as a “Republican”, I scolded her louder than when she tried to color her tongue with the DMV community pen and she knew Mommy meant business (sorry Allie!). Finally we exited out to where a mom and her 16 year old daughter were waiting for her to take her driving test with the instructor. I kissed both of my girls, giving time permission to slow down and left just then realizing that this would be our least eventful trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles. 

A Few of my Favorite Things

A friend of mine who's expecting her first baby recently asked me my favorite thing about having kids. It took me a second to respond since in that particular moment Madeleine was busy putting peanut butter on her dress, while Charlotte was scooping dirt onto her pants and every part of me wanted to answer "all the laundry".  If you’ve followed my journey from the beginning you know I don’t believe in sugar coating, since it is far too sticky and that just becomes one more thing I have to clean up. So here is an honest list of the ever-growing things I love about having kids.

1). Children are a special concocted blend of you and your partner's most frustrating qualities sent from heaven to test your patience and provide endless amounts of karmic hilarity.

2). On the flip-side, your children are a special concocted blend of you and your partner's most wonderful qualities sent from heaven to bring everyone joy.  

3). Your children are walking, talking, pooping little blobs of love. All day, every day you will experience some form of love from them. Whether it be a kiss, a laugh, or a loaded diaper with a smile. 

4). Just when you're ready to be fitted for a straight jacket, your child will do something so epically adorable that (almost) all will be forgiven.

5). Whenever I’m having a bad day I just take my kids out in the world to watch strangers admire, compliment, or attempt to squish their little cheeks and I use this as a metaphorical pat on the back that I must be doing something right as a mom.

These are just a few of my favorite things.

Dang, Darn, Drat!

Let's face it, when you stub your toe or your toddler discovers the nail polish and decides to “color” on the carpet, “darn” doesn't quite pack the same punch as other four letter words. Since I have a tiny, adorable parrot on my hands I must watch my words now more than ever; however these days I seem to be presented with so many more opportunities for profanity. 

1). When your baby puts a handful of playground sand straight into her mouth and you go to retrieve it, only to find more. 

2). The first time your child discovers how to remove their own diaper and naturally it's not a #1. 

When you dress your kids in darling matching outfits and put them in a sunflower field to capture a magical moment and your toddler uses this opportunity to poke her sister in the eye with hay.

3). Turning around to find your child licking a stray toy on the floor of the doctor’s office.

4). Your toddler pulling marinara sauce off a high shelf at the supermarket and you're busy searching for the pasta with extra gluten. 

5). Watching your healthy baby share snacks with a boogery child from across the room.

6). Walking into an non-childproofed all-white house, and your kids are packin’ fully loaded diapers and peanut butter fingers.

7). Unbeknownst to you, your toddler has had access to the sunscreen in her car seat for the entire 20 minute journey.

8). When your toddler's hair is soaking wet and the only access she's had to water is the toilet. 

9). Upon entering the kitchen you see your baby's legs Wicked Witch of the West style stuck in the doggie dog. 

10). When you accidentally swear in front of your two year old.