Why 2 Year Olds Make Terrible Babysitters

Sometimes I can see the appeal of having your children 10 years apart, so your 10 year old can be mommy’s helper as opposed to Charlotte’s current role: the ultimate baby antagonizer. Don’t get me wrong she can be helpful, loving, and sweet with her sister, but when I let them “play” the following shenanigans are guaranteed to unfold:

1). Playful rough housing that ends in using the baby as an ottoman or step stool.

2). Dress-up that leads to temporary blindness and the inappropriate bending of limbs.

3). Random toddler toy inspections that result in immediate relocation.

4). Drive-by kissing and hugging where no one can be left standing.  

5). Musical chairs with mommy’s lap where there can only be one winner. 

6). Following the Golden Rule that girls must always go to the bathroom in pairs.

7). The dedication and follow through my toddler shows in ensuring her sister “laughs ‘til she cries”.

8). A 50/50 shot as to whether or not the item in transit will ever make it to the baby.

9). Most importantly, ensuring the baby remains humble when reaching her achievements and milestones.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Let’s face it children are not robots and they do so much more than just sleep, eat and cry. It’s so easy to be jealous of the suspiciously good baby, because not only is the mommy grass always greener, the lawn toys are organized alphabetically.

Each child has their own gifts and challenges. Here are the gifts that make me jealous and I wish upon all your children:

1). The Little Traveler

They are flexible little road trippers that love “Eye Spy” and quietly staring off into space.  

2). No Muss, No Fuss

The dressing and undressing portions of your day are unmemorable and happen without anyone screaming.

3). The Good Sleeper

They love sleep as much as you do.

4). The Good Eater

Your pet name for them is the "Human Garbage Disposal" or "HGD" for short. 

5). Chill, Baby

Even after a sugar rush you can call them mellow yellow.

6).The Stroller Strider

They are as happy as if they were riding on a pony at the fair.

It is important to keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect child, unless of course it’s yours.

The good news is that whatever the struggle, they always make it out the other side. 

So this is Motherhood

Every once in a while you have a situation where you just have to laugh and say to yourself: so this is motherhood.

Charlotte is going to a parent cooperative nursery school in the fall and when we went to check it out, she loved the bean table and stayed there for 20 minutes. Anything that maintains their interest for more than 4 minutes in Mommyland is considered a gift from the heavens, so I saved this activity for a slow day where we had exhausted all other entertainment options. I’m changing Madeleine’s poopy diaper on the chair in the playroom and Charlotte comes over to us and says, “I put in my nose.” Sure enough one nostril is bulging like an infected nose piercing. Charlotte is sniffling and starts to cry and I try and calm her down so she doesn’t suck it up farther into her nose, because at this moment I can’t remember if your nostrils lead to your throat or up to your brain. I’m almost positive it couldn’t lead to her brain since I don’t ever remember seeing that storyline on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I run her upstairs to get the tweezers and completely forget that Madeleine is on the chair mid-diaper change. From the top of the stairs I see that she has rolled off the chair (uninjured) but poop is now everywhere.

I am dialing Kaiser’s advice line as I am attempting to pull out the bean with tweezers. But I’m just making it worse and her sniffles aren’t helping, so I try poking it from the outside, which also isn’t doing anything. All the while the poop situation in the playroom has been contained since Madeleine has now made her way over to the tile. It is also important to note that one of my earliest memories was me sticking a bead up my nose and going to the doctor to have him use tiny forceps to remove it, so I can’t be too mad when evidently this specific curiosity is genetic. Finally I grab a medicine dropper and maneuver it around the bean and finally it pops out. Since this was not my greatest parenting hour, I had every intention of keeping this story just between us. However Charlotte is of the age where there are no more secrets, so I decided to beat her to the punch since now she always finds a way to spill the beans.