The Green-Eyed Monster

Let’s face it children are not robots and they do so much more than just sleep, eat and cry. It’s so easy to be jealous of the suspiciously good baby, because not only is the mommy grass always greener, the lawn toys are organized alphabetically.

Each child has their own gifts and challenges. Here are the gifts that make me jealous and I wish upon all your children:

1). The Little Traveler

They are flexible little road trippers that love “Eye Spy” and quietly staring off into space.  

2). No Muss, No Fuss

The dressing and undressing portions of your day are unmemorable and happen without anyone screaming.

3). The Good Sleeper

They love sleep as much as you do.

4). The Good Eater

Your pet name for them is the "Human Garbage Disposal" or "HGD" for short. 

5). Chill, Baby

Even after a sugar rush you can call them mellow yellow.

6).The Stroller Strider

They are as happy as if they were riding on a pony at the fair.

It is important to keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect child, unless of course it’s yours.

The good news is that whatever the struggle, they always make it out the other side. 

So this is Motherhood

Every once in a while you have a situation where you just have to laugh and say to yourself: so this is motherhood.

Charlotte is going to a parent cooperative nursery school in the fall and when we went to check it out, she loved the bean table and stayed there for 20 minutes. Anything that maintains their interest for more than 4 minutes in Mommyland is considered a gift from the heavens, so I saved this activity for a slow day where we had exhausted all other entertainment options. I’m changing Madeleine’s poopy diaper on the chair in the playroom and Charlotte comes over to us and says, “I put in my nose.” Sure enough one nostril is bulging like an infected nose piercing. Charlotte is sniffling and starts to cry and I try and calm her down so she doesn’t suck it up farther into her nose, because at this moment I can’t remember if your nostrils lead to your throat or up to your brain. I’m almost positive it couldn’t lead to her brain since I don’t ever remember seeing that storyline on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I run her upstairs to get the tweezers and completely forget that Madeleine is on the chair mid-diaper change. From the top of the stairs I see that she has rolled off the chair (uninjured) but poop is now everywhere.

I am dialing Kaiser’s advice line as I am attempting to pull out the bean with tweezers. But I’m just making it worse and her sniffles aren’t helping, so I try poking it from the outside, which also isn’t doing anything. All the while the poop situation in the playroom has been contained since Madeleine has now made her way over to the tile. It is also important to note that one of my earliest memories was me sticking a bead up my nose and going to the doctor to have him use tiny forceps to remove it, so I can’t be too mad when evidently this specific curiosity is genetic. Finally I grab a medicine dropper and maneuver it around the bean and finally it pops out. Since this was not my greatest parenting hour, I had every intention of keeping this story just between us. However Charlotte is of the age where there are no more secrets, so I decided to beat her to the punch since now she always finds a way to spill the beans. 

Why Life is Hard When You're Two

It’s a confusing world we live in, especially when you are two and Mommy says things like, “We cannot drink the hose water” and yet it tastes just like a yummy mixture of water and pennies (which I also cannot put in my mouth).

Everything is a no. No ice cream in the morning, no squeezing toothpaste directly into my mouth.

I only get to play all day every day which really gets in the way of me telling everyone exactly what they should be doing.

It is not considered helpful when I reorganize or unpack.

I have to wear clothes in public, including shoes which feel like tiny monsters trying to eat my toes.

Mommy hides tiny trees in my food and pretends like they are not there but I know they are. 

Things that were once okay like diapers and pacifiers are now for babies and not big girls.

I now know all the words, but no one else seems to.

I would say more, but Mommy says it’s nap time and I say it's party time.