How to Back Talk the Baby Talk

Since this is not my first rodeo, I am well versed in the grossly inappropriate things that are said to pregnant women. As if we are not feeling vulnerable enough, we also get to put up with a wide range of verbal digs. Luckily, my arsenal of retorts is no longer empty and I will never be caught off guard again. I have prepared some equally caustic statements that are bound to make you feel just as uncomfortable as we do when you say any of the following.

1). What are you going to name him/her?

Keep your lips sealed! It’s a trap.

This is the part where you tell me about your estranged cousin (enter your unborn child’s name here) that accidentally ran over your neighbor’s dog and now that name will forever remind you of that one summer you two kissed.

2). Are you sure it’s not twins.

“You are looking a little bloated yourself. When was your last BM?”

3). Can I touch your stomach?

“Can I feel your boobs? Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was just a game we were playing called strangers that touch each other’s body parts.”

4). Were you hoping for a boy this time?

I like to get really spiritual here and say something like, “I prefer not to question God’s plan.”

There's nothing like throwing around the “G” word that makes people squirm and quickly change the subject.

5). How are you feeling?

This one is tricky because some people genuinely care, while others only want to use this as a gateway to overshare their pregnancy horror stories. Read the room and use your Mommy’s intuition, after all that’s what it’s there for.

Option a. “I feel OK, thank you for asking!”

Option b. “How are you feeling? Have you recovered from you pregnancy?”

You’d be surprised how many women with children in their 40’s take the bait.

6). Are you going to get an epidural?

“Are you a donor? Have you ever signed a DNR?”

Too personal? My point exactly.

These are the ones I've heard the most. Feel free to create your own list and don’t forget to share these snarky comebacks with as many preggos as you know. United, we can end the absurdity. Because people, I’m about to raise 2 daughters and I’d like them to grow up in a world where the only thing pregnant women ever hear from the peanut gallery is, “Wow, you look great!”

Playgroup Pariahs: The Moms to Avoid

We quickly learn that motherhood is about survival, and if life was like Lost, certain types of Moms should quickly be swallowed up by the smoke monster.  As they say, "it takes a village to raise a baby" and we simply have no patience left for any of the following villagers:

The One-Upper Mother

The queen of all annoying Mother acquaintances has to be the one-upper.

“My daughter was walking at 10 months.”

“Mine actually just walked right out of me.”

Or, “She has 4 teeth now.”

“Mine is getting her molars.”

 Well bite me.

The Passive-Aggressive Bragger

 “Did your child struggle with sleeping through the night?”

“Yes, it took him FOREVER to get there. By six weeks old he was only sleeping 6-7 hour stretches and it was killing me.”

How terrible for you!

Or, “How did you lose the last 5 pounds of baby weight?”

“Actually I only gained 10 pounds total so the doctor wanted me to gain weight after my pregnancy since I lost it all too quickly.”

We are no longer friends.

Dr. Mom

There are about a thousand things to worry about each day of parenthood. Did they get enough vegetables? Why aren’t their poops ever the same color? The whole purpose of Mom friends is to take turns telling each other:

a. It will be alright b. That’s totally normal.

One type of mother clearly missed the memo.

“I have to change my daughter’s diaper standing up because she won’t lay down.”

“Oh that’s weird.”

Or, “Should I be worried that my one year old Megan still isn’t saying anything?”

“Yeah, I would definitely check that out with your pediatrician.”

Why do I need to, clearly you have all the right answers.

The One-Way Conversationalist

These Moms have obviously spent too much time around children who are not yet verbal. No matter where you are the conversation becomes a vacuum that always sucks you back around to them and their family.

“My cousin just got married in Hawaii. It was really beautiful.”

“We are going to the Bahamas again over Christmas break to renew our wedding vows.”

Or, “My dog is really sick. I’m not sure if he is going to make it.”

“We cannot have pets because Charlie is allergic.”

You have the social tact of your toddler.

I simply have too much love for this girl to subject her to any unnecessary noise. 

If you spot any of the aforementioned Moms out in the world strolling with their children, I suggest that be the moment you and your baby take up power jogging.  

The Mini Milestones

We all know the major childhood milestones and while all are worthy of applause there should be a parade thrown for the following mini milestones:

Mirror, mirror

To every mom, her baby is beautiful. In reality, all babies go through a stage where they resemble an adorable combination of a gremlin and 90 year old man. Then all of a sudden, in a certain light you begin to see your eyes and your husbands' facial expressions and breathe a sigh of relief that they sent you home with the correct baby.

Pouch-o-goodness

Charlotte decided that getting fed by a spoon was so six months ago, so she boycotted pouches for about a month. Unfortunately we don’t mill organic barley in our backyard and so getting those healthy ingredient into her body took some creativity. Finally one day my husband just handed her the pouch and she squeezed it into her mouth like she’d been doing it since utero.

Kisses

My daughter has the perfect combination of independence and affection. She learned how to give kisses before she could even walk. So now she always leans in and puckers up (to either one of us or the dogs, usually the dogs) before running away in the opposite direction. 

Walk the Walk

Everyone gets excited about when their toddler first starts walking. It is very exciting, but it is mostly terrifying and this is about the time you start researching helmets on the internet. It takes about 3 weeks for them not to look like a drunken squirrel.  Suddenly they master walking and gain independence and you no longer have to play what feels like a never-ending game of President and secret service. And guess who always gets to be the President?

No Means No

In the beginning it was hard to look at Charlotte’s blue eyes and tell her no in a voice that you wouldn’t hear on Sesame Street. So we had a family pow-wow and now we all use a universal, “no” that means business and Charlotte understands! Quickly she moved on to boundary pushing, but that’s not a mini milestone that should ever be celebrated.

So when your child reaches these mini marks of life-changing success, do what we do: bust out an unchoreographed dance routine and make sure to lean in for a kiss.