Ivan and Tayshia kick of Fantasy Suites. With their super-limited budget Ivan and Tayshia get to participate in “the longest kiss in ice” world record. Because the longest kiss while wearing a scuba suit inside a taco truck wasn’t available as an option. I’m sure Ivan’s testicles couldn’t bounce back in time for them to consummate the relationship, so rather than have their first time together in a trailer, they stayed up all night actually talking.

The date between Blake and Tayshia brings back all the old school Bachelor vibes…that I hate. Using crystals to feel out energy, ranks up there with using essential oils to cure COVID.

We pick right up where we left off with the 2-on-1 between Noah, the former-mustached toddler and Bennet, who has quickly fallen from grace as a once charming Harvard-grad, to a creepy, condescending douche. Tayshia scolds Noah and Bennet for their naughtiness harder than the time I caught my daughters eating sugar directly out of the 10-pound bag in the pantry with a spoon.

Clearly there are no rules for 2020, when Chris Harrison can temporarily peace-out of his contract and leave us stranded with JoJo Fletcher as the new host. The only explanation I can come up with as to why they picked her is to keep the casting channels open between The Bachelor and the NFL through her semi-famous STILL fiancé Jordan Rodgers.

For the next group date, producers really bank on the accuracy of COVID testing when Tayshia oils everyone up and has them engage in some homo-erotic wrestling. What gets me every time with these physical contact challenges are when everyone feigns shock at how physical these contact challenges become. You could give the guys a marshmallow gun and someone would find a way to bleed.

Now, do we believe the events unfolded the way they showed us with Clare being the master-decision-maker for the Bachelorette-powers-that-be? Or were producers already on the horn with Tayshia long before, once they realized Clare was about as interesting to watch/ listen to as a six-year-old explaining their favorite YouTube video.

If The Bachelorette were truly a show about finding love, Clare would be declared the fastest winner in Bachelor franchise history and we could quickly move on to Tayeshia. But you know as well as I do, most of us don’t watch the show to witness a happy couple go skipping off into the sunset together on week one. We want to watch love going sideways; because while not everyone can relate to dating 30 people all at same time, we can definetely relate to the drama and heartache that often accompanies falling in love.