The Waiting Game

Imagine you are going to have to saw your own arm off, except you don’t know exactly when it will happen, and people keep telling you everything will be OK, but to drink lots of water. This is where I’m at.

There’s something about the last two weeks of pregnancy that does something to you mentally. Physically it’s painful and uncomfortable, but if left alone in your own head you will most definitely start imagining 14 pound newborns and the teenage anesthesiologist claiming to be out of epidurals. Even dreams don’t provide any relief because that’s when you give birth to twin boys who can’t stop screaming, so when you finally wake up to search for them in your bed you see one confused husband and two sleepy dogs.

Besides some sort of magical Buddha that says, your baby will be born on this day at this time; all you really want is your OBGYN velcroed to you at all times, constantly repeating, “That’s normal”. I’ve set up my very own personal block to WebMD and unfortunately the one number we are allowed to dial at this point is Labor and Delivery. Ironically, this is the only time during the pregnancy when they throw caution to the wind and don't tell you to come in unless your baby is almost crowning.

It’s important to remind yourself that none of this is logical. There is an entirely formed human being camping out inside my watermelon sized uterus just waiting to call me, “Mom”. I’m the only person that can complete this task and thankfully I have my very own cheerleading squad of family and friends: we are having T-shirts made. It feels good that everyone has confidence in my abilities, and in the moments I’m not having contractions or I forget what’s about to happen, I too feel very capable. So here is the good news: this uncertainty, fear, and bowel-shaking panic sets the stage perfectly for what's to come in parenthood. 

What it's all for.

The Top 5 Most Annoying Things about Prenatal Appointments

1). Urine Hell

“Did you bring a urine sample with you today?”

Yes, along with my 14 month old, I have brought along a cup of my pee, it’s in my diaper bag next to her sippy cup. Of course I don’t have one with me! But give me 30 seconds and I can wrangle you up some liquid gold, no problem, because if urine was currency, all pregnant woman would be millionaires. 

2). Weight Management

Make sure you eat lots of fruit and vegetables! For those lucky enough to crave beats or quinoa, congratulations you are already on your way to being a fabulous mother. For everyone else bagels, cheese, and anything doughy are all that manage to stay down. The concept of “eating for two” is over; they tell most women to gain between 10 and 30 pounds during their pregnancy. 10 pounds? That’s adorable.

3). Ultrasound with Attitude

Returning to that instrument of torture that is my pregnancy bladder, when they told me to hold my bladder for a full 2 hours before my 20 week ultrasound, I already knew I would have to cheat. Since I took anatomy in 5th grade, I forgot the ultrasound technician would have visual proof of my misconduct so she made sure to sigh loudly and say, “Looks like someone didn’t follow directions”. I didn’t realize every ultrasound came with free snark and sarcasm. Now you are a speaking my language.

Baby #2's glamour shot

4). Frequent Flyer

I wish there was a punch card for prenatal visits where on every 3rd visit they’d give me a free (let’s just say decaf) latte or something. While I appreciate the level of care, I’m sure the doctor gets equally annoyed hearing my complaints as I get answering the question, How are you feeling? Is there a motherly way of saying, “I feel like crap”? If so, I bet it can be found in one of those prenatal books written by a male doctor.

5). Dude, Where’s My Baby?

For as many viles of your blood and times your legs go in the stirrups, they might throw in a few more ultrasounds for compensation. I was shocked to learn that they only do two ultrasounds, the last of which is at 20 weeks. So for 20 more weeks you are at the mercy of your hormonal imagination where additional limbs are being sprouted or better yet a whole other baby that they missed because there were only two ultrasounds! 

If you haven’t guessed by this point, I’m pregnant again! The bad news is that it’s difficult to maintain accuracy while holding a toddler and aiming your throw up towards the toilet bowl. The good news, it should make for some very entertaining blogging material, enjoy!

Already bonding

Never Say Never

Here are some things I said I would never do as a mom. Save yourself some apologizes and never say never, my friend. I’ve even blogged about these very things. But I’m only human and I’ve learned that moms are allowed to be fallible since every day is a trial by fire.

1). JUDGE OTHER MOMS

I am guilty of this from just this morning! I was jogging with Charlotte and a mom in a minivan (speaking of judgment) pulled up to her house with two child’s cups and a happy meal bag from McDonald’s at 8:00am. I tripped and caught myself; Mommy Karma can be a real b. 

2). USE MY JOGGING STROLLER FOR JOGGING

I said that running was my “me time” and the stroller should be used for walks only. Enter 2015 and it turns out the only thing more Zen than running without my baby is feeling like super mom while running with her.

3). TELL MY BIRTH STORY TO PREGNANT MOMS

I can’t even remember if they asked to hear it. I think it is the most beautiful story in the world because it is how Charlotte came to be. But when I joke about the excessive nudity and the number of strangers checking out your lady parts, oddly enough, they find it more terrifying than funny.

4). BE BORED AT OTHER WOMEN’S BABY SHOWERS

I refuse to wear hats or ohh and ahhh in an octave meant for dog discipline, but I will eat cake. It is simply impossible for me not to have a running dialogue in my head that checks off all the presents which are completely impractical for newborns. My favorite is when they are purchased off their registry. That segue ways nicely into #5. 

5). DO THE CONDESCENDING SMUG-MOM LOOK

While, “Just you wait and see” is not my new catch phrase, it is quickly becoming a part of my vocabulary. When a pregnant mom says to me, “Why do you need so much stuff?” it just comes flying out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea. I don’t want to say I told you so in 2 months, but a dark part of me really does.

I no longer have any room in my life to say never. Parenting is a moving target.  If you are lucky, one day you catch up, only to realize the target walks, talks and now wants to chase you. 

I never thought a car seat could cost more than I paid for a month's rent in college.