The Ick Factor

Yesterday at my daughter’s preschool I watched 6 out of the 15 kids pick their noses during circle time. 4 of them ate it, 1 of them wiped it on their pants and the other on their neighbor. Let’s face it, sometimes our little angels are just gross little monsters. 

Several months into my first pregnancy, I remember reading Kaiser’s suggested birth plan ideas (pause for after-the-fact laughter that anyone thinks you can possibly plan how your precious miracle will enter the world). I vividly remember checking the box that said “I’d like my baby to be lightly toweled off before being placed on my chest”. I kept searching for the “just like in the movies” box that said, “a 5-month-old, freshly bathed and lightly dipped in jelly will be handed to me”, however that apparently wasn’t covered under our insurance. Not only did I help pull Charlotte out myself, but she could have been plastered in a pickle/black olive juice combo and I still would have kissed her head and inhaled her scent like I needed it to give me life (which I still do).

One of my children, who will remain nameless to respect their privacy, brought me a little treasure, cupped so gently in her hands I thought she was showing me an injured bird. Nope, it was poop. A perfectly shaped turd that must have fallen out during a diaper change. Rather than run screaming in disgust, I immediately hosed everyone down and then upped their fiber intake, in that order.

I thought that by having little girls I might escape the laundry list of icks, but no such luck. Luckily, there are no amount of boogers, bodily fluids, and BM’s that could stop us from loving our messy little monsters.

YOU GOT SOME ‘SPLAIN’ TO DO

We’ve all heard of the term mansplaining; when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending or patronizing tone--for example, “I listened as the mechanic mansplained to me that in order for my car to run efficiently I would need to get regular oil changes.” What I recently heard was the term momsplaining which is when a mom needs to explain something to someone--be it her husband, a stranger or her children for the 14 millionth time that day. The key difference, however, is a mother is actively attempting not to come across as rude which is difficult when you are lactating, sleep-walking and explaining… again. An example of this would be when you need to momsplain to your toddler that Alexa cannot make ice cream just appear. When you enter the phase of “why” expect momsplaining to reach epic, almost fit-yourself-for-a-straight-jacket proportions.

Probably the worst offense of the term comes when a fellow Mom, attempts to offer unsolicited new mommy advice but tries to guise it as momsplaining. An example of this looks like:

New mommy: “No one is sleeping at night so I’m going to try the Cry-It-Out Method.”

Seasoned mommy: “In my research, Cry-It-Out destroys neurons and will wire your child for stress. It also increases their likelihood of one day starring in reality television and selling weight-loss shakes on Instagram.”

Soon after your children learn to speak they will begin kidsplaining, which is them justifying their behavior or clarifying to you how the world works:

Me: "Do you need a shirt?"

Maddie: "Nope. I do this." (Pulls pants up to her armpits)

Me: “It is time for bed.”

Charlotte: “I don’t need to sleep because I already did that yesterday.”

We are all doing our best, trying to keep up in this confusing world. If I knew all the secrets, believe me I’d share them with you. One thing I do know for sure--when I look at these two, some things just don’t need explaining.

A Healthy Splash of, "Oh Dear, what have we done?"

And just like that it’s 2018. The overall consensus was that 2017 was a real stink-fest—but if you are a parent that just cannot be true. Chances are your little darlings did something incredible last year whether it be: they came into the world, gained a sibling, or simply learned how to wipe their boogers on their own pants instead of yours.

We all know that in January people get serious about making positive life changes. In our house, we have come up with a sure-fire way to guarantee success by letting our kids determine their own New Year’s resolutions. As a way to continue to ace this whole parenting gig and hold my children accountable, I will share them with everyone:

My Kids' New Year’s Resolutions 2018:

1). Ensure that Mom and Dad never have an opportunity for alone time to make certain we will remain their only children. As a precautionary backup plan, tandem scream-crying whenever Mom holds anyone else's baby, will also do the trick. 

2). Go on record stating that it would be rude to stop accepting a yearly supply of Honest Company diapers from Aunt Cara and Uncle Dennis if we became an undies-only household in 2018. So we will enthusiastically continue to use pull-ups daily, since you have always taught us the importance of gratitude.

3). Allow parents to host a Pacifier Farewell Party packed with balloons, professional fairies and the whole 9 yards with 0 intentions of ever giving up the magical sucking contraptions that will surely come with us to college (where we will be forced to attend a school that specializes in orthodontics).

4). Live by the motto, "Sleep is for suckers".

5). Never let our parents regret the decision to hire professional house cleaners by leaving no corner unlicked, no toilet paper roll unexplored. 

6). Oscillate inexplicably from compassionate, conjoined best friends sharing everything from donuts to diseases into hair-pulling, shrieking ninjas that would rather bleed from the scalp than share that one specific orange marker.

7). Lastly and most importantly, continue to keep both Mom and Dad on their toes morning, noon, and night (working in shifts if we have to) always making them grateful they made the decision to become parents with a healthy splash of, “Oh Dear, what have we done?”

Happy New Year from our family to yours.

SLIDING INTO 2018 LIKE...