YOU GOT SOME ‘SPLAIN’ TO DO

We’ve all heard of the term mansplaining; when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending or patronizing tone--for example, “I listened as the mechanic mansplained to me that in order for my car to run efficiently I would need to get regular oil changes.” What I recently heard was the term momsplaining which is when a mom needs to explain something to someone--be it her husband, a stranger or her children for the 14 millionth time that day. The key difference, however, is a mother is actively attempting not to come across as rude which is difficult when you are lactating, sleep-walking and explaining… again. An example of this would be when you need to momsplain to your toddler that Alexa cannot make ice cream just appear. When you enter the phase of “why” expect momsplaining to reach epic, almost fit-yourself-for-a-straight-jacket proportions.

Probably the worst offense of the term comes when a fellow Mom, attempts to offer unsolicited new mommy advice but tries to guise it as momsplaining. An example of this looks like:

New mommy: “No one is sleeping at night so I’m going to try the Cry-It-Out Method.”

Seasoned mommy: “In my research, Cry-It-Out destroys neurons and will wire your child for stress. It also increases their likelihood of one day starring in reality television and selling weight-loss shakes on Instagram.”

Soon after your children learn to speak they will begin kidsplaining, which is them justifying their behavior or clarifying to you how the world works:

Me: "Do you need a shirt?"

Maddie: "Nope. I do this." (Pulls pants up to her armpits)

Me: “It is time for bed.”

Charlotte: “I don’t need to sleep because I already did that yesterday.”

We are all doing our best, trying to keep up in this confusing world. If I knew all the secrets, believe me I’d share them with you. One thing I do know for sure--when I look at these two, some things just don’t need explaining.

A Healthy Splash of, "Oh Dear, what have we done?"

And just like that it’s 2018. The overall consensus was that 2017 was a real stink-fest—but if you are a parent that just cannot be true. Chances are your little darlings did something incredible last year whether it be: they came into the world, gained a sibling, or simply learned how to wipe their boogers on their own pants instead of yours.

We all know that in January people get serious about making positive life changes. In our house, we have come up with a sure-fire way to guarantee success by letting our kids determine their own New Year’s resolutions. As a way to continue to ace this whole parenting gig and hold my children accountable, I will share them with everyone:

My Kids' New Year’s Resolutions 2018:

1). Ensure that Mom and Dad never have an opportunity for alone time to make certain we will remain their only children. As a precautionary backup plan, tandem scream-crying whenever Mom holds anyone else's baby, will also do the trick. 

2). Go on record stating that it would be rude to stop accepting a yearly supply of Honest Company diapers from Aunt Cara and Uncle Dennis if we became an undies-only household in 2018. So we will enthusiastically continue to use pull-ups daily, since you have always taught us the importance of gratitude.

3). Allow parents to host a Pacifier Farewell Party packed with balloons, professional fairies and the whole 9 yards with 0 intentions of ever giving up the magical sucking contraptions that will surely come with us to college (where we will be forced to attend a school that specializes in orthodontics).

4). Live by the motto, "Sleep is for suckers".

5). Never let our parents regret the decision to hire professional house cleaners by leaving no corner unlicked, no toilet paper roll unexplored. 

6). Oscillate inexplicably from compassionate, conjoined best friends sharing everything from donuts to diseases into hair-pulling, shrieking ninjas that would rather bleed from the scalp than share that one specific orange marker.

7). Lastly and most importantly, continue to keep both Mom and Dad on their toes morning, noon, and night (working in shifts if we have to) always making them grateful they made the decision to become parents with a healthy splash of, “Oh Dear, what have we done?”

Happy New Year from our family to yours.

SLIDING INTO 2018 LIKE...

The Happy to my Holidays

Hurry parents everywhere so we can stand in line for hours all to have a jolly stranger hold our kids so they can cry while we take a picture to post on social media with the hashtag #santafail. No, but really. If there is a Christmas-themed park, tree lot, or reindeer sleigh within a 15-mile radius of my house we are so there. I know, I’m just as surprised as you! Things that I would have thought would be irritating, like dressing my girls in matching outfits every day, turns out are actually kind of spectacular.

This sounds totally nuts, but I woke up November 24th with the holiday spirit all thanks to my two little elves who are starting to believe in the magic of Christmas and if I didn’t know any better I, too, would swear that there will be a fat man scooting down my chimney in less than 3 weeks.  

Like everything that happens with children it is all about managing your expectations and this time of year is no exception…

Rather than go out into the wilderness with a chainsaw in 20 feet of snow, my Clark drove us the 3 minutes down the way to our local Boy Scout lot. What was supposed to be one 10-foot tree turned into a 12-foot tree and two 4-foot trees, which my girls hauled off the lot all by themselves. Their new favorite game is how many pine needles can they shove up each other’s nose before sneezing them out? So far they’ve made it to 3.

Davis has a Children’s Candlelight Parade to the Christmas tree lighting downtown every year and call me over-protective but I would have thought they’d pass out flameless candles. We arrived in their matching flannel jammies and I noticed a 9-month-old holding a very real candle next to my highly flammable children. I guess that’s why the fire truck is also in the parade. We proceeded to walk without our candles lit as my girls held up traffic and had to be escorted by yours truly and the police out of the middle of the intersection. We left before the tree was lit.

The 30 seconds before I blew them out.

We have decorated a dozen cookies every day for the past 7 days. I’ve gained at least a pound a day and my girls think that frosting goes well on their tiny trees (aka broccoli). 

Baby it’s cold outside, but this doesn’t stop any child anywhere from wanting to play outdoors. Just today in the blistering wind we went out with friends to Silveyville Tree Farm and rode a sleigh led by a (fake) reindeer through a forest of Christmas trees. It was just us on the sleigh due to the wind chill—but Charlotte leaned in towards Maddie, took her hand and then gave her a kiss. I almost couldn’t even write this today because my heart exploded with love.

In this holidaze, things will never go according to your plan or agenda—because, well, kids. But they are the star on the tree, the light in the darkness, the sprinkles on sugar cookies, and the kiss under the mistletoe, if you only choose to believe.