Where I Draw the Line

Lately with my bedtime circling 8:30 and my religious use of sunscreen and a fiber supplement, I’m feeling old. Yes, I recognize that I am nowhere near a mid-life crisis nor can I be considered old when compared to say the Earth or Betty White. But my children have undeniably aged me. I am perpetually in a state of complete exhaustion and I am guilty of using the expression, "In my day..."

I do have some hard limits when it comes to lines I just won't cross. Lines that I believe push you into a gray mommy area that once you enter into, your hot mom card will quickly be revoked and traded in for a special placard that allows you to park anywhere with your hybrid/electric minivan.  Here they are in no particular order:

The mom haircut.

There is a phrase out there that husbands everywhere dread more than, “I think it’s about time you got a vasectomy”. It's, “Honey, I chopped off all my hair because it was just getting too hard to manage.” Have you ever seen a Victoria Secret model with a pixie cut? I rest my case.

Bringing up the weather in conversation.

I appreciate that when a conversation reaches a lull it is tempting to say, "Do you believe this weather we are having?" However it is always much more interesting to sprinkle in gems about the kids such as, "Yesterday my daughter ran screaming naked through our house because our beagle wouldn't lay down next to her while she went pee pee on the potty."

Sneakers with dresses, skirts or pants.

The fact that I just called them sneakers only emphasizes my point that I'm old. Running shoes, tennis shoes or kicks should be exclusively for exercise.

The visor.

For women, I believe the visor should only be worn if your name happens to be Venus or Serena. This is probably the only time you will ever hear me utter this phrase, ladies let's leave those to the men.

Drawstring high-waisted Mom jeans.

Really any flavor of jean that makes it look like you ate a large burrito for lunch, whether you actually did or not.

Do I know some awesome moms that can rock a sexy boy-cut in their minivan while listening to NPR? Well actually no, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t out there kicking butt and being great moms. I only know myself and so for now my hair will stay long, I’ll save my running shoes for running and allow my children to always keep me young at heart.

The Depths of my Love for you

It was a typical Tuesday and my oldest was crying from her car seat that a “painful boogie [was] stuck in her nose” and when I went to stroke her head, she proceeded to use my pinky finger as her own personal booger catcher. The depths of my love for them are endless (pun intended).

This week I was carpooling with a group of beautiful Mamas to go stand-up paddle boarding, since we all happen to be experts in the art of balancing acts.

Naturally it only took us seconds to start talking about our offspring. After only a few hours together, I was able to compile this list of sacrifices, perceived humiliations (that we’ve learned to just take in stride), and struggles that we’ve had the honor of enduring on this unstable terrain called Motherhood.

Taking two separate cars on a 3-hour car trip in order to take apart and bring the baby’s crib so he would sleep at night on their “vacation”.

Sitting at a very crowded restaurant with friends while her child was the only one in her underwear because a drop of water spilled on her dress.

Being waved to the front of the line at Great Clips, because despite hiding the scissors in an overhead cabinet, inside a box, he was still able to find them and perform his first at-home haircut.

Calling poison control to inquire about your child ingesting deodorant, hand-sanitizer and Neosporin all before we've ingested our morning coffee.

Spending our precious alone time with various counselors, sleep specialists, or child psychologists to inquire about: sensory issues, biting, sleep regressions, and separation anxiety. Asking the tough questions like, "Why does my daughter love brushing her teeth, but then consider it physical torture when I try and dress her in anything with buttons or sleeves?"

Sleeping (or rather not sleeping) in their bed, next to their bed, or with them in our bed, outside the door to their room, in the hallway or anywhere that would allow for a few short minutes of rest.

There are no limits to how far we will go for our children. Luckily, I've lost the ability to be embarrassed over public: tantrums, nudity, or expulsion of bodily fluids. My children have used me as: a tissue, a pillow, a trash can, a blanket, a human shield, and a safety net (to name a few). It is a fair trade, though, since I use them as my sunshine.  

Just Take my Money Already

When it comes to watching my kids experience pure joy, money is no object. Of course we do plenty of family things that cost nothing like ride bikes, read books and take nature walks in the park. But to those that say, “money cannot buy happiness” have obviously never seen a child riding a miniature pony. I find myself internally conflicted, since places like fairs, zoos, and carnivals can be sad, inhumane, and sometimes downright creepy. Fortunately, the portion of my children’s brain that would see a whale in a tank smaller than most celebrity’s penthouse pools as cruel has not been developed yet. So instead, they see a “big fishy” and immediately are giving me the pouty lips and requesting a giant balloon animal with a spout. I wish that my moral convictions were as strong as my desire to see my kids giddy with joy—until then, any place we can pet, ride, or feed the animals, seriously, just take my money already.

The creators and investors of places such as these are no fools-- they see a market that can easily exploit desperate parents that will stop at nothing to avoid very public tantrums. They know that they can absolutely charge $12 per person for a 3-minute train ride around the monkeys. And sadly, my bag of old tricks like “the train is not working today” is no longer a lie I can get away with, especially when there’s a loud speaker announcing train rides every 20 minutes.

We have yet to brave the wonder and overwhelming glee that is Disneyland. I simply cannot justify dipping into their college savings so I can show them pictures in the future and have conversations like:

Me: “Remember how much you loved riding Dumbo? Oh look at us in front of the castle!”

Them: “When did we go to Disneyland?”

Fortunately, we are very close to several toddler amusement parks, carousels, and trains of all shapes and sizes. Kids will lose their minds over anything plastic that they can ride.

There are also bounce houses or trampoline parks that charge more per hour than most criminal attorneys. It is tempting to be wary of any place you need to sign a liability waver for, however the upshot is that it does exhaust them into taking 3 hour naps. So I’m just going to be the mom that magically pulls helmets and mouth guards out of my Mary Poppin's bag.

I am also a huge fan of splash pads or play structures where I can sit off to the side and wave from a shaded bench while finishing my cold coffee from that morning. I call those places heaven.

Sure, the best things in life are free—but Thing 1 and Thing 2, just happen to have very expensive tastes.