The Depths of my Love for you

It was a typical Tuesday and my oldest was crying from her car seat that a “painful boogie [was] stuck in her nose” and when I went to stroke her head, she proceeded to use my pinky finger as her own personal booger catcher. The depths of my love for them are endless (pun intended).

This week I was carpooling with a group of beautiful Mamas to go stand-up paddle boarding, since we all happen to be experts in the art of balancing acts.

Naturally it only took us seconds to start talking about our offspring. After only a few hours together, I was able to compile this list of sacrifices, perceived humiliations (that we’ve learned to just take in stride), and struggles that we’ve had the honor of enduring on this unstable terrain called Motherhood.

Taking two separate cars on a 3-hour car trip in order to take apart and bring the baby’s crib so he would sleep at night on their “vacation”.

Sitting at a very crowded restaurant with friends while her child was the only one in her underwear because a drop of water spilled on her dress.

Being waved to the front of the line at Great Clips, because despite hiding the scissors in an overhead cabinet, inside a box, he was still able to find them and perform his first at-home haircut.

Calling poison control to inquire about your child ingesting deodorant, hand-sanitizer and Neosporin all before we've ingested our morning coffee.

Spending our precious alone time with various counselors, sleep specialists, or child psychologists to inquire about: sensory issues, biting, sleep regressions, and separation anxiety. Asking the tough questions like, "Why does my daughter love brushing her teeth, but then consider it physical torture when I try and dress her in anything with buttons or sleeves?"

Sleeping (or rather not sleeping) in their bed, next to their bed, or with them in our bed, outside the door to their room, in the hallway or anywhere that would allow for a few short minutes of rest.

There are no limits to how far we will go for our children. Luckily, I've lost the ability to be embarrassed over public: tantrums, nudity, or expulsion of bodily fluids. My children have used me as: a tissue, a pillow, a trash can, a blanket, a human shield, and a safety net (to name a few). It is a fair trade, though, since I use them as my sunshine.  

Just Take my Money Already

When it comes to watching my kids experience pure joy, money is no object. Of course we do plenty of family things that cost nothing like ride bikes, read books and take nature walks in the park. But to those that say, “money cannot buy happiness” have obviously never seen a child riding a miniature pony. I find myself internally conflicted, since places like fairs, zoos, and carnivals can be sad, inhumane, and sometimes downright creepy. Fortunately, the portion of my children’s brain that would see a whale in a tank smaller than most celebrity’s penthouse pools as cruel has not been developed yet. So instead, they see a “big fishy” and immediately are giving me the pouty lips and requesting a giant balloon animal with a spout. I wish that my moral convictions were as strong as my desire to see my kids giddy with joy—until then, any place we can pet, ride, or feed the animals, seriously, just take my money already.

The creators and investors of places such as these are no fools-- they see a market that can easily exploit desperate parents that will stop at nothing to avoid very public tantrums. They know that they can absolutely charge $12 per person for a 3-minute train ride around the monkeys. And sadly, my bag of old tricks like “the train is not working today” is no longer a lie I can get away with, especially when there’s a loud speaker announcing train rides every 20 minutes.

We have yet to brave the wonder and overwhelming glee that is Disneyland. I simply cannot justify dipping into their college savings so I can show them pictures in the future and have conversations like:

Me: “Remember how much you loved riding Dumbo? Oh look at us in front of the castle!”

Them: “When did we go to Disneyland?”

Fortunately, we are very close to several toddler amusement parks, carousels, and trains of all shapes and sizes. Kids will lose their minds over anything plastic that they can ride.

There are also bounce houses or trampoline parks that charge more per hour than most criminal attorneys. It is tempting to be wary of any place you need to sign a liability waver for, however the upshot is that it does exhaust them into taking 3 hour naps. So I’m just going to be the mom that magically pulls helmets and mouth guards out of my Mary Poppin's bag.

I am also a huge fan of splash pads or play structures where I can sit off to the side and wave from a shaded bench while finishing my cold coffee from that morning. I call those places heaven.

Sure, the best things in life are free—but Thing 1 and Thing 2, just happen to have very expensive tastes.

Small Miracles

Murphy’s Law of Parenthood states that when anything can go wrong, it will-- like when you run out of clean clothes and then go to open the dryer to find that your youngest thought this would be a fun place to store the wet play-doh. You will learn to appreciate the little miracles whenever and wherever they are presented to you by thanking God or the Tooth Fairy or whichever holy entity is responsible for nobody in my household contracting the stomach flu in over 6 months. Just in case your cup runneth over, and not in the good way, here is a list of small gifts you should remember to feel grateful for.

1). When you find shoes that all your kids can easily put on and take off themselves. Crocs are uglier than sin and look like two pieces of non-recycled plastic you know in your heart of hearts will one day be laid to rest in a landfill right next to your Keurig cups and organic pouches-- but they have given you back what will accumulate to years of your life.

2). When you get distracted in the grocery store and accidentally wander down the cookie aisle and somehow nobody notices and thus doesn’t start simultaneously tantruming while loading your cart full of junk food like an old episode of Super Market Sweep.

3). When both of your kids in the span of 3 days get stung by a bee and turns out nobody is allergic.

4). When you leave without a diaper bag or any of the $30,000 worth of crap it takes to simply exit your house while in the possession of your children and somehow nobody needs anything other than a song and a smile.

5). When you are out in a crowded space and your children instinctively reach out for each other.

Just the existence of grocery delivery services and free streaming episodes of Daniel Tiger are proof that small miracles are all around us. Sometimes you just have to wade through the boogers and laundry in order to spot them.