The Alternative Facts of Parenthood

In a time when it’s important to always encourage our kids to tell the truth, we have now been offered the ultimate parenting loop hole thanks to President Drumpf and his minions of destruction. My sister is about to have her first baby and so why be honest, when I can present her with “alternative facts” as it pertains to parenthood:

I’ve never gotten dressed in my kitchen, while arguing with my toddler that her Cheerios couldn’t possibly be “too spicy”.

My coffee is always hot by the time I get around to drinking it.

My family abides by the age-old rule, “Children should be seen and not heard”.

I've never put my child's socks on while using the potty to save time.

I’ve filed away all their “art projects” in alphabetical order from Amazing to Zootastic.

I always match their level of enthusiasm about Peppa Pig and Play-Doh at 6:30 in the morning.

My toddler is an effective self-feeder and never throws all her food on the ground and then complains when everything is “brokemen”.

I’m not on a first name basis with our Amazon delivery man, Philip, because I always leave my house to support our local small business owners.

My 16-month-old has never been found unattended at the bottom of our stairs practicing her version of anti-gravity baby yoga.

On a scale of milk-soaked, hoarders halfway house to immaculate, organized castle your house will always be the latter, especially when visitors surprise you with the pop-over (which never happens when you have a baby).

The realities of parenthood can be too frightening or just too ridiculous to bear, so let’s go ahead and build a wall around the truth and just never live inside it.

Bring June Home

Just when you thought maybe you were beginning to materialize into a halfway-decent human being, one of your best friends tells you she is adopting a little girl from China with Down syndrome. This did not come as a surprise to me because from the moment I met Allie almost two years ago, we bonded over our shared love of being 6 feet tall, motherhood, and our passion for the special need's community. When I sat across from Allie, as she recounted their meeting with June, the light and love in her eyes was that of a mother describing her child. Our world needs more people like Allie and her husband, Rob. Their patience and love for their boys is evident within the first few moments of meeting them. Everyone talks about the importance of doing good, but here is a young couple taking action, by opening their home to a little girl that needs one. Please take a moment to read their story and if your heart compels you, donate below to bring their daughter home.

https://www.youcaring.com/juneolson-733621

They have me Outnumbered

Now that I have two completely mobile, completely toddler children, I feel completely outnumbered. Being the overachieving mom that I am, I signed both my girls up for a gymnastic class through the city. In the past, I’ve managed to keep Madeleine contained in the front pack, but this time I knew I’d have to bite the bullet and pay the extra $50 to have her participate too. One of the benefits of having my kids ridiculously close together means I can take advantage of classes clumped by their age groups, even if I have to get special permission. Luckily, powers of persuasion is one of my mommy super powers:

Poop goes in the potty.

No officer I wasn’t talking on my cellphone while driving, I was handing my daughter goldfish in the backseat. But aren’t they just adorable?

In all of my planning I didn’t actually think through the two of them and one of me concept until we arrived for circle time and it all went to hell in a circle shaped handbasket. Having children under the age of 3 sit for any period longer than 30 seconds requires a lollipop the size of their head or some sort of sparkly glittery disco ball which plays any music that makes adult's ears bleed. Believe it or not stretching will not hold my kids attention, especially when there is an obstacle course and trampoline directly behind where they are “sitting”. Once we actually got to play, all of the other moms were very concerned about “the baby”, the only mom not concerned was me because I know my second child can tumble with the best of them. Between Charlotte having to use the potty, Madeleine taking a spill down the trampoline and me not being able to tend to two children at once-- I was beyond thrilled when it was time for bubbles. The bubbles lured them into the same location for two whole minutes, which was just enough time to pat myself on the back and squint my eyes so the looks of sympathy could be blurred into looks of admiration. We left without any meltdowns and without having anyone say to me every mom’s least favorite phrase, “looks like you have your hands full”. They might have me outnumbered, but that just means twice the fun.