#MomProblems

Since motherhood is the gift that keeps on giving, I have complied a new list of #MomProblems. 

1).  Every time you check Facebook in October your friends have created elaborate family-themed costumes and you’re over here just trying to get the kids dressed in the morning.

2). There isn’t enough caffeine or sugar in the world to get you on par with your kids on a rainy day.

3). The kids fell asleep in the car for 7 minutes, so they are all set on naps until Christmas.

4). Your youngest hasn’t blown out of an outfit in 7 months so you roll the dice on leaving the house without a spare, so naturally she winds up wearing your jacket as some sort of throwback to Michael Jackson.

5). The day you need to take a nap is the first time both kids decide to forego their naps altogether.

6). Every time you try to leave anywhere your toddler insists on "driving" for at least 20 minutes.

7). Every week you play a game called how many times can you wash the kid’s sheets and somehow you're always the loser.

8). When you go to a birthday party and they put whistles in the goodie bags and your kids discover them on the car ride home before you’ve had time to burn them.

9). When you finally throw away the single baby sock after washing it for a month and the next day your toddler brings you its match.

10). Everyday your Mary Poppins' bag gets bigger and bigger and yet nothing in that bag actually belongs to you.

The good news is mom’s everywhere are nodding along together in solidarity knowing that while our children are certainly unique, our mom problems sure aren’t. 

Fall and the Beginning of Quarantine

Toddlers are basically one adorable cuddly germ just waiting to open mouth kiss you while sneezing. If we had to wait until both of my children’s noses were clear to leave the house, we would basically just call ourselves a family of bears and emerge in April. As sure as your kids will look epically precious in their Halloween costumes, when the first leaves begin to fall, every family we know will be in a constant state of quarantine. Pick your poison: the stomach flu, the lingering cough, or the boring old common cold. As a parent you learn about new diseases which sound incredibly alarming like roseola and hand-foot-and-mouth, but are incredibly common and yet not sexy enough for someone somewhere to create a vaccine. It becomes mission impossible to keep their tiny fingers away from their mouths and even when you do they will find a way to spread the "joy". Like last week when Madeleine licked the fish tank at the doctor’s office, which I swear they just put there to drum up more business for themselves (I’m inclined to blame Obamacare).

With one child I lived in a constant state of germaphobia. Along with a helmet, I was seconds away from having our family wear those masks you only see on that one person you will definitely not be sitting next to at the airport. Cut to real life with two kids and we are constantly in a cycle of “getting over” something involving an excess of fluids. Only one kid catching a cold is physically impossible, because if they aren't actually licking each other's eyeballs they are trading sippy cups and kisses. 

I can hear my pre-kids self naively saying, "Well, we will just stock up on hand sanitizer and never spend time with any kids that are coughing or parents that like to travel to Africa". But just like when you are hiding in your closet for one moment's peace and your kids come barreling in with an entire unrolled roll of toilet paper and what you can only assume is deodorant on their forehead, the germs will find you.  

Your Bragging Squad

Let’s face it, if you aren’t complaining about your kids, you are bragging about them. It is important to locate your best audience when your child does something monumental like uses the potty for the first time. Friends without kids won’t necessarily understand the need for the choreographed celebratory dance you and your husband have worked out and your friends with kids might have a son who just keeps missing the mark, literally. But have no fear, here are some never-fail allies that when your child jumps they will ask how high.

Their pediatrician

I’m never shy about sharing mini and major developmental milestones during our visits and always ask if I too can get a gold star when they are handing out stickers after shots.

Any and all members of your family

Grandparents, aunts, second cousins twice removed are your target audience to start a triumphant impromptu flash mob when your child has finally given up on a 6 day vegetable hunger strike.

Their sibling

I have found that my children’s biggest fans are each other. On more than one occasion I have caught Charlotte patting her sister on the back while saying, “Good job, Sissie.” Now if that’s not the greatest argument for a second child, I’m not sure how to convince you.

They say in life it is important to surround yourself with cheerleaders; people that build you and your family up. While your bragging squad may not always match your mommy-level of excitement over the first poop after four days of baby constipation, they will always nod along accordingly whenever you mention just how gifted your special children are.