Googled

Oh the things I’ve Googled as a mom. I often ponder to myself, what did moms do before the internet? Was there simply a line around the block at the doctor’s office? Are we better off now that we can Google questions like, “Can my child contract rabies from sharing an acorn with a squirrel?”

While I was pregnant, I put myself on a Google diet of only one search per week and would only type in things that I worried would make my OBGYN mentally roll her eyes and question her decision to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on her Med School education. Important questions such as, “When will my belly button go back in?” or "Has anyone ever died from a painful contraction?" 

Google can actually be a useful tool, but that doesn’t mean my searches aren’t anything short of hilarious. Here are some gems that can be found in this mom's browser history:

1). Basically anything that starts with “is it normal for my baby/toddler to…” insert anything here.

                a. Cry for two hours straight.

                b. Only drink milk while lying horizontal.

                c. Poop every 30 minutes.

                d. Feel like I love my child too much.

Definitely love this girl too much!

2). A baby poop chart with colors and textures.

3). A rash chart with colors and textures.

4). How to get my baby/toddler to stop screaming?

5). How to get my toddler to stop drinking the bath water?

6). Tricks for making sure my newborn is still breathing at night.

7). How can I restore my boobs to their former glory after nursing?

8). How can I get my child to sleep through the night without reading any parenting books?

9). What are the symptoms of ___________ in a toddler/baby? (Insert any scary disease here: Ebola, West Nile, Zika)

10). Is it dangerous for a child to bathe longer than 2 hours?

As moms, we all have large amounts of crazy-worry bubbling up inside, just waiting to explode all over our poor unsuspecting Pediatricians. Google, I’ve found, is a much safer place for me to unleash my inner mommy worrier. 

Talk the Talk

Once your child starts talking…it seems they never stop. This is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because most of the things they say are hilarious- on our trip to the beach Charlotte called the ocean "too big bath" and seagulls "baby chickens". A curse because there will be many instances of public embarrassment- Charlotte’s favorite expression, “Mommy’s all done pumping” (referring to when I pump milk for Madeleine) sounds like, “Mommy’s all done pooping”. Fear not, just when you are tempted to invest in a sound proof room, here is a list of communication benefits your family can enjoy from having a talking toddler.

1). Everything from bedtime to bath time can and will be negotiated. 5 more minutes. Not right now. Just think of how helpful this will be once they pass the Bar Exam.

2). What did you do before you had your own personal narrator?

Mommy taking shower now.

Mommy all done hair drying.

Mommy putting pants on.

Maybe one day you can aspire to have your own theme music. 

3). You are pretty sure that if someone even mentions the name “Donald Trump” one more time you might be forced to relocate your family to Canada. Luckily your toddler can only ever talk about themselves, much like "The Donald", and they care as much about this election as they do about what's waiting for you in their diaper.

4). Miley Cyrus’ music video for “Wrecking Ball” was on MTV yesterday and it was the first time I had seen it (I know I’m late to this party). I have no idea why she needs to be naked and molesting demolition equipment, but it sure did make me grateful for the wholesome family music that my daughter sings over and over.

5). Maybe you didn't hear me the first time? Your toddler will make sure to repeat and rephrase. Perhaps a career in politics will be in their future supporting the issues that really matter.

Popsicle. 

Mommy, popsicle. 

Please Mommy, popsicle. 

6). In case you are becoming too confident in your parenting abilities your toddler will make sure to point out exactly what needs to be done so you stay humble.

Baby is crying. 

Baby take a nap. 

Mommy, cup is empty.

Sometimes we do miss the silence but mostly we hang on every word and if you missed it the first time, don't worry, they will make sure to tell you again.

Everything is a 10

There is no off button. No volume control, no mute. Everything is a 10. Every moment your toddler is awake they are experiencing emotions at a 10. The good news is this goes for frustration, but also excitement; anger but also joy. In case you are not yet living in this reality, or it feels like a distant memory, I will present some examples of a normal everyday scenario for a child and the scenario that would have to happen in order for an adult to emote an equivalent emotional response.

Excitement

Child: Anything that involves bubbles.

Adult: You found out you won an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii, and your parents offered to watch the kids.

Anger

Child: It’s time to get out of the bath.

Adult: You are standing in line at the DMV and your number is 102 and they just called 7.  

Anger

Child: It is time to leave the playground.

Adult: Your flight out of Alaska has been canceled and you are snowed in at the airport for two days.

Joy

Child: Anything that involves Elmo.

Adult: The moment you found out you were having a baby.

Anger

Child: They have run out of Puffs.

Adult: Your neighbors go out of town but leave their teenager home alone to throw an all-night rager, complete with house music and vomit on the sidewalk.

Frustration

Child: They have to share a toy with their sibling.

Adult: The cable guy strolls in during the last 2 minutes of his four hour window, on a Saturday.

The good news is every day for you with kids is also a 10.

The bad news is every day for you with kids is also a 10.