22 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU MUST BE LIVING WITH A TODDLER

1). You don’t put the toilet paper on the roll and it’s not out of laziness.

2). You have to eat dessert in your pantry because you don’t want to share.

3). You feel like Elmo’s voice was created as punishment for sins you must have committed in a past life.

4). Yes I would like some cheese with that whine.

5). At any adult function you find yourself humming the song from their favorite light up toy.

6). You’ve probably already used the phrase “let’s keep our pants on” at least twice today.

7). They can sense when bedtime is approaching and will instantly lay on the charm.

8). Their favorite food from yesterday is now grotesque and officially offensive.

9). Kisses are better than Band-Aids, but not better than stickers.

10). You did absolutely nothing to help the drought in California since bath time could last for hours or until the hot water ran out.

11). All small chairs shall be called “potties”.

12). Play dates are now a gamble ever since sharing was invented.

13). Everyday you play a game called “disguise the vegetables”.

14). Your days of using curse words are over, hello “shoot” and “darn”.

15). When other people use the expression “Terrible Twos” you kind of want to punch them a little bit.

16). You have to apologize to strangers who smile and say hi because all they get in return is the stink eye.

17). There are only one or two particular books on the agenda and the rest are simply unacceptable.

18). At any given moment a spontaneous dance party could breakout.

19). Quiet places are for screaming.

20). It is the worst day of their life because you gave them the red cup instead of the green one. Oh look, bubbles!

21). Bubbles.

22). It’s their world and you are just lucky to be living in it.

MY WORLD

The Top 5 Questions We’ve All Asked, BC (Before Children)

Now, for your entertainment purposes: asked and answered.

1). Question: Don't you ever wipe their face?

Answer: To answer this question you must first determine how you feel about tears, screaming, and being swatted. God help you if you have to blow their nose.

2). Question: Why are their clothes always dirty?

Answer: From the moment they get up in the morning the gravitational pull of dirt, food, and dog hair shifts in the room towards your child's clothes. And as we all know, you can’t fight gravity.

3). Question: Why does a baby have so much stuff?

Answer: For something that is roughly the size of a small poodle, their wardrobe is easily quadruple the size of yours and your husband’s combined. Slowly but surely you will have to remove one item that fits an adults sized tushie to make way for something that only fits a baby’s, until every visitor is forced to sit on the floor while your baby floats comfortably in a Mamaroo that costs more than what that guy from Craigslist paid you for your couch.

4). Question: How hard could it really be?

Answer: Remember that incredibly annoying drunk person on your dorm floor Freshmen year that you, being the responsible one, always ended up babysitting? They thought it would be fun to climb on the back of your couch, singing the lyrics to “Do you know the Muffin Man”, half naked, with cereal spraying out of their mouth. This is your life 24/7.

5). Questions: Why can’t parents talk about anything besides their kids?

Answer: To us, nothing else is even half as interesting. My oldest daughter is learning the ABCs and my youngest giggles when you lift her over your head and I made those people, but please tell me again how “awesome” your burrito was yesterday.

Of course AD (After Darlings) they’ll be lots more questions such as, was there ever a match to this sock or how can they call it a 4 month sleep regression when they were never sleeping through the night in the first place? Just wait until your children can talk and then I'm sure they will be happy to take over the question and answer portion of the program. 

My Baby Butler

No one was more surprised than me that we did not win the Powerball. But I got to thinking what I would do if we did. I decided that I would hire a butler, not a nanny, but a butler to do all of the ridiculous and tedious tasks that are required as a mom. Obviously, I’d like my butler to clean my bathrooms and wash baby bottles, but I’d really like to get more creative. This is not about laziness, I exercise 5 days a week, there are simply tasks I wish I could parlay to someone else.

This would be the photo we'd use for our Baby Bulter Want Ad

1). Load and unload my car.

It takes no less than 5 trips back and forth to the car, 10 if I dare go grocery shopping and God help me if one of my children is crying when we pull up. I wish I could grow oct-o-mom arms.

2). Follow me while I walk my dogs to pick up their business.

On the rare occasions that I am able to walk my dogs, when they decide to go, there is nothing more miserable and humbling than cleaning up after them. At the end of the day sometimes it’s the last straw: my poop cup overflowth at the moment.  

3). Fetch me things I’ve left downstairs.

My dream house will most certainly be one story. And it’s never a piece of cake or anything amazing that’s waiting for me on the kitchen counter. It’s always a pacifier or my breast pump.

4). Take out the diaper genies.

It’s not the changing of the diapers that I mind, it’s the compilation of a week’s worth of stink. No matter how strategically I pull it out, I will always get a whiff.

5). Meal times.

My butler would serve as my sous chef/prep cook, with a physic twist, since he would always know which meals were worth cooking because my toddler would always eat everything he chopped up and I prepared. And naturally, I’d never wash a single dish.

6). Stay in the car with my kids when I have to “hop out” for 5 minutes.

This would be life changing, since every time we just need to stop for milk it would appear like we are moving into the grocery store with: my two kids, diaper bag, recyclable bags (come on people if I can remember so can you), and whatever else will fit in a grocery cart.

I wish that parenting was all the good stuff: story time, bath, snuggles and kisses. But it’s a little messier. So until we do hit the Powerball, if you need me, I’ll be the crazy bag mommy at the grocery store, still looking for the aisle where they keep the silver spoons.