My Baby Butler

No one was more surprised than me that we did not win the Powerball. But I got to thinking what I would do if we did. I decided that I would hire a butler, not a nanny, but a butler to do all of the ridiculous and tedious tasks that are required as a mom. Obviously, I’d like my butler to clean my bathrooms and wash baby bottles, but I’d really like to get more creative. This is not about laziness, I exercise 5 days a week, there are simply tasks I wish I could parlay to someone else.

This would be the photo we'd use for our Baby Bulter Want Ad

1). Load and unload my car.

It takes no less than 5 trips back and forth to the car, 10 if I dare go grocery shopping and God help me if one of my children is crying when we pull up. I wish I could grow oct-o-mom arms.

2). Follow me while I walk my dogs to pick up their business.

On the rare occasions that I am able to walk my dogs, when they decide to go, there is nothing more miserable and humbling than cleaning up after them. At the end of the day sometimes it’s the last straw: my poop cup overflowth at the moment.  

3). Fetch me things I’ve left downstairs.

My dream house will most certainly be one story. And it’s never a piece of cake or anything amazing that’s waiting for me on the kitchen counter. It’s always a pacifier or my breast pump.

4). Take out the diaper genies.

It’s not the changing of the diapers that I mind, it’s the compilation of a week’s worth of stink. No matter how strategically I pull it out, I will always get a whiff.

5). Meal times.

My butler would serve as my sous chef/prep cook, with a physic twist, since he would always know which meals were worth cooking because my toddler would always eat everything he chopped up and I prepared. And naturally, I’d never wash a single dish.

6). Stay in the car with my kids when I have to “hop out” for 5 minutes.

This would be life changing, since every time we just need to stop for milk it would appear like we are moving into the grocery store with: my two kids, diaper bag, recyclable bags (come on people if I can remember so can you), and whatever else will fit in a grocery cart.

I wish that parenting was all the good stuff: story time, bath, snuggles and kisses. But it’s a little messier. So until we do hit the Powerball, if you need me, I’ll be the crazy bag mommy at the grocery store, still looking for the aisle where they keep the silver spoons.

Mommy BFFs (or best friends forever in case you were never a teenage girl)

Dedicated to my Mommy BFF, Allie, happy birthday!

The best windows of opportunity for making new friends typically occur only twice in our lifetimes: the first day of kindergarten and the first week in the college dorms. Once you’ve graduated, it becomes increasingly more difficult to find socially appropriate ways to make friends. I wish it were as simple as using my toddler’s techniques; putting sand in somebody else's bucket or not pushing them down the slide. When you become a mom it is important to find other moms who not only have things in common with you but who also share similar mommy values. For example, I would find it difficult to relate to a vegan, attachment-parent who believes in chicken pox parties and uses terms like a “family bed” during playdates. So when I met my mommy BFF, who also happens to be over 5’10, has two under two and is similarly fluent in the language of sarcasm, it felt too good to be true.

 For those of you wondering if you have found your mommy BFF, below is a quick reference guide:

1). The social media world can expect pictures of all your children holding hands, sharing food, and running in fields. (Please refer to exhibit A below)

2). You can text single words like “help”, “poop”, or “caffeine” and they will instantly know that their assistance is required because it has been an explosive poop sort of day and more coffee is required in order to get through it alive.

3). You can show all sides of your crazy, whether they be: judgey, complainy, or just plain bitchy.

4). She instinctively knows when you are asking for advice and when you just need to vent.

5). Lastly and most importantly, you will always remind her that she is amazing and that she inspires you to be a better mother.

So if you’ve checked all those boxes, congratulations, you have made your very own Mommy BFF.  Now go forth and conquer the parenting world together, one milestone and mini-meltdown at a time! 

The Light Side of the Dark

I am in a post-Christmas fog that has lasted all week and resulted in some interesting developments... 

We are unbelievably blessed. Santa and all his friends went a little overboard, so now the amount of stuff in my house has started to give me anxiety. This anxiety is causing me to stress-order items on Amazon.

My youngest has something called Torticollis Left, which sounds like something I’d order at a Mexican restaurant with extra cheese. It’s not serious because we caught it early and apparently it’s mild (as opposed to spicy?) But it does involve us driving out to Sac twice a month to strengthen the muscles in her neck. So Charlotte and I are doing our part by only being entertaining on Madeleine’s left side.

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Remember my blog "Why is my Toddler Crying"? How could you not, it was one of my best. Well it has turned a little less funny and a little more like I want to scream into a pillow. But here is one of my favorites from just today: I wouldn’t let her climb into the donation boxes full of stuff we are giving away (can’t make this up).

In my Stroller Strides workout group which I love (where we exercise/sing while our children hang out in their strollers) the babies have decided to rebel against us in some sort of tiny fisted mutiny. I believe I even heard one of them chanting, “You cannot sweat without our tears”. My two are, of course, leading the charge.

On any given day in motherhood there are cringe-worthy, scream-worthy, and wtf-worthy moments. It is our job to find the lighter side and never let anyone that still wears diapers defeat us!