Why Is My Toddler Crying?

We’ve entered the age of crocodile tears. It’s that limbo stage of communication where she understands most everything and yet can only communicate part of it. So sometimes the only way to keep from screaming in frustration is to laugh and make a list #whyismytoddlercrying.

1). I gave her half a banana and she wanted to hold the part with the peel.

2). I wouldn’t let her feed that same banana to our fat beagle.

3). She wanted to wear my shoes… while I was wearing them.

4). I wouldn't let her put her mouth on the fish tank at the doctor's office.

5). I wouldn’t let her play catch with her sister and a muffin.

6). I wouldn’t let her finger paint with a bottle of breast milk.

7). I wouldn't let her eat yellow mustard at 6:30 in the morning.

8). I stopped pushing her on the swing for 30 seconds to take her picture.

9). I wouldn't let her eat a goldfish cracker we found on the playground. 

10). I won't let her kiss strange dogs on the mouth.

As you can see the majority of these are things I simply cannot let her do, both for her safety and my sanity. From now on you can refer to me as “Mean Mommy: the Destroyer of Fun”.

THE TOP 10 REASONS TO HAVE A SECOND BABY…EVEN WHEN YOUR FIRST IS STILL TECHNICALLY A BABY

1). One was beginning to feel like only a moderate challenge and you fancy yourself an over-achiever.

2). You created some sort of genetic marvel on your first and you wanted to see if lightening really can strike twice.

3). Your toddler started carrying around food simply so the dogs will “play with her”.

4). Sleep is for suckers and you feel comfortable pushing the boundaries of the caffeine content in your breast milk.

5). “Mommies of Two” felt like a much cooler cult than “Mommies of One” and you desperately wanted to learn the secret handshake.

6). You missed your snuggle partner and your toddler will now only hug you when she wants something.

On most days it looks like this

7). You figured your social life was already down the toilet since you now have to beg the checkout clerk for adult conversation.

8). You already purchased what you call the “mini-SUV” because a “Soccer Mom Van” is out of the question.

9). Any family pack of ticket always come with 4 and it’s just wasteful to throw out an “extra ticket”. 

10). MTV was offering a reality show for moms with a newborn and a toddler, but that idea got canceled when they realized nobody would watch that.

Sometimes it looks like this

In all seriousness, there is no one right reason to expand your family (but there are unlimited wrong ones) and if you are anything like our family we thank our lucky stars every day that we did. 

Bad Advice

This go around, I have finally recognized that I am the gate keeper. There are no set rules that dictate the do’s and don't s of parenting my children so I am eliminating the following pieces of bad advice:  

1). A baby only cries for a reason

Lie. Sometimes you can try simultaneously: soothing, feeding, burping, singing, rocking, or changing your baby and they will still cry. Don’t beat yourself up when you have tried everything, tag your partner in and quickly locate some ice cream.

2). Wait 6 to 8 weeks before introducing a pacifier or a bottle  

You might as well Velcro your baby to your boob because you will be their only source of food and comfort for the next year, and likely until they start college.

3). Don’t vaccinate your children

If you listen to this advice, you don’t have time to be reading my blog. You should be out researching cures for diseases such as Polio and Small Pox. Oh wait, they already exist.

4). Don’t exercise for 6 weeks

Unfortunately, you cannot consider breastfeeding a form of exercise. While you shouldn’t be doing squats or bench pressing anything, it’s amazing what a walk can do for your mental health after feeling like you’ve been under quarantine since you gave birth.

5). Your toddler is trying to manipulate you

While obviously my toddler is a genius and capable of more than most well trained Labradors, manipulation assumes that toddlers have the ability to use a part of their brain that hasn't actually developed yet. It would be like saying your baby was kicking you in utero before he developed limbs. Sometimes toddlers are tiny terrors, but that's why they make them so gosh darn adorable. 

6). Get your newborn on a schedule

A newborn eats every two hours. Wrong! They eat on demand and sometimes that can be every 15 minutes. The only item scheduled into you day for the first months should be humming the mantra, “Stay calm, this too shall pass”.

Parenting is all about trial and error. Sometimes you gain a nugget of insight from a fellow Mom or from your past parenting experience which becomes a life saver. Other times you simply have to kiss your baby and throw the bad advice out with the bathwater.