Rockin' Round Two

Apparently the key to a healthy pregnancy is having a toddler. Sure it is challenging to carry a baby while literally carrying a baby, but I’ve decided to reserve the whining for labor and those first few weeks of mommyhood 2.0. Instead, I’ve created a list of ways that Charlotte is already proving to be a very helpful big sister. 

1). She keeps us hydrated

Charlotte thinks drinking out of a “big girl” cup aka my cup is much more entertaining than any sippy cup, which means I don’t drink water, I chug it, and then leave her a sip so she can backwash and then use it to "splash" or wash hands.

2). She regulates our meals

Everything I eat suddenly becomes more desirable and more delicious to Charlotte than whatever repulsive items I put on her tray (never mind that they are the same). So rather than eating for two, my portions are now cut in half. Also, I don’t want Charlotte eating sweets, and since being a mother means what is mine is always hers, I have to hide in the pantry or wait until she’s in bed, which by that time I am just so grateful to have made it to bedtime, I have completely forgotten about the peanut butter ice cream in the freezer.

3). She keeps me fit

It is recommended that pregnant women get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. I am not physically able to sit for longer than 30 minutes on any given day which means the majority of the day I am on my feet moving, dancing and chasing Charlotte up the stairs or carrying Charlotte down the stairs. So our day looks a lot like this (except exchange Raffi and Disney music for the inappropriate rap song (but no judgement):

4). She inspires sleep

As was said in Juno, “Pregnancy can often lead to an infant” and while I knew this on my first go around, I couldn’t really understand it. I quickly learned that sleep deprivation is a newborn’s way of telling you that they love you and just want to be around you all the time. I now attempt to bank my sleep with the naïve hope that that savings will somehow carry me through the first few months.  

5). She accelerates time

When I was pregnant with Charlotte time moved in slow motion. I had 40 weeks’ worth of aches, complaints, and fears. I’m already in my 3rd trimester and I haven’t had a moment to wallow in my migraines or research the statistical likelihood that my child will be born with an extra finger (I didn't even know to worry about this until my ultrasound tech told me she "always counts fingers ever since her sister's baby was born with seven on one hand"). 

Since being pregnant with a toddler is going so incredibly well, I am sure that having a baby and a toddler can only follow suit. Right?

Hibernation and Other Toddler-Wrangling Strategies

We can now only go to places that are toddler-proofed. The list is short and reads like this: other people’s homes that also have toddlers. Of course we can venture anywhere we want, but it sounds a lot like if you were to put a puppy in a room with a new pair of leather loafers, “No. Don’t do that. Don’t put that in your mouth. Come here. No.” Every house should be equipped with a child-sized safety pod that contains novel age-appropriate toys and books, if for no other reason than I’d like to be able to finish an adult conversation that lasts longer than 45 seconds and doesn’t end with, “I’m sorry, I’ll be right back.” That’s a lie. I will not be right back unless you manage to acquire some bubbles or perhaps a shiny ball that will hold my daughter’s attention for the next 4 and a half minutes. Also let’s make these minutes count; I don’t have time for small talk. I love to hear ramblings from other busy parents and have absolutely no patience for stories that involve you wine tasting in Napa Valley and being too tired to get out of bed until 3:00pm the next “morning”. I’m a pregnant mother of a toddler, unless you are using the phrase, “You must be exhausted,” I don’t want to hear you use “tired” or any of its forms in a sentence.

Wide open spaces are also effective

A fellow mom-friend who is also deep in the trenches put it well: I wish we could go into hibernation with our children and emerge in 3 years with all our friendships still intact. Amen sister. I remember, BC (Before Children), when I invited my best friend and her then 1 year old over for an afternoon get together and I told her to bring her pack-n-play. I pictured us visiting while her baby amused herself happily in the pack-n-play, perhaps with a block or two to keep her occupied for the duration of the party. My friend explained that her daughter only ever napped in the pack-n-play when they went places and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. I think about it now and laugh hysterically about what it would look like to try and enclose Charlotte in a pack-n-play. If only it were that simple, my friends. The only other option for us is to do things that are toddler-centered. So we go to swim lessons, anywhere with dog-poop-free grassy areas, or gymnastics as we prepare for hibernation upon the arrival of our second child, which is where we shall stay until our children are 3 or until everyone we know invests in two child-sized safety pods. Whichever comes first. 

How to Back Talk the Baby Talk

Since this is not my first rodeo, I am well versed in the grossly inappropriate things that are said to pregnant women. As if we are not feeling vulnerable enough, we also get to put up with a wide range of verbal digs. Luckily, my arsenal of retorts is no longer empty and I will never be caught off guard again. I have prepared some equally caustic statements that are bound to make you feel just as uncomfortable as we do when you say any of the following.

1). What are you going to name him/her?

Keep your lips sealed! It’s a trap.

This is the part where you tell me about your estranged cousin (enter your unborn child’s name here) that accidentally ran over your neighbor’s dog and now that name will forever remind you of that one summer you two kissed.

2). Are you sure it’s not twins.

“You are looking a little bloated yourself. When was your last BM?”

3). Can I touch your stomach?

“Can I feel your boobs? Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was just a game we were playing called strangers that touch each other’s body parts.”

4). Were you hoping for a boy this time?

I like to get really spiritual here and say something like, “I prefer not to question God’s plan.”

There's nothing like throwing around the “G” word that makes people squirm and quickly change the subject.

5). How are you feeling?

This one is tricky because some people genuinely care, while others only want to use this as a gateway to overshare their pregnancy horror stories. Read the room and use your Mommy’s intuition, after all that’s what it’s there for.

Option a. “I feel OK, thank you for asking!”

Option b. “How are you feeling? Have you recovered from you pregnancy?”

You’d be surprised how many women with children in their 40’s take the bait.

6). Are you going to get an epidural?

“Are you a donor? Have you ever signed a DNR?”

Too personal? My point exactly.

These are the ones I've heard the most. Feel free to create your own list and don’t forget to share these snarky comebacks with as many preggos as you know. United, we can end the absurdity. Because people, I’m about to raise 2 daughters and I’d like them to grow up in a world where the only thing pregnant women ever hear from the peanut gallery is, “Wow, you look great!”