Hibernation and Other Toddler-Wrangling Strategies

We can now only go to places that are toddler-proofed. The list is short and reads like this: other people’s homes that also have toddlers. Of course we can venture anywhere we want, but it sounds a lot like if you were to put a puppy in a room with a new pair of leather loafers, “No. Don’t do that. Don’t put that in your mouth. Come here. No.” Every house should be equipped with a child-sized safety pod that contains novel age-appropriate toys and books, if for no other reason than I’d like to be able to finish an adult conversation that lasts longer than 45 seconds and doesn’t end with, “I’m sorry, I’ll be right back.” That’s a lie. I will not be right back unless you manage to acquire some bubbles or perhaps a shiny ball that will hold my daughter’s attention for the next 4 and a half minutes. Also let’s make these minutes count; I don’t have time for small talk. I love to hear ramblings from other busy parents and have absolutely no patience for stories that involve you wine tasting in Napa Valley and being too tired to get out of bed until 3:00pm the next “morning”. I’m a pregnant mother of a toddler, unless you are using the phrase, “You must be exhausted,” I don’t want to hear you use “tired” or any of its forms in a sentence.

Wide open spaces are also effective

A fellow mom-friend who is also deep in the trenches put it well: I wish we could go into hibernation with our children and emerge in 3 years with all our friendships still intact. Amen sister. I remember, BC (Before Children), when I invited my best friend and her then 1 year old over for an afternoon get together and I told her to bring her pack-n-play. I pictured us visiting while her baby amused herself happily in the pack-n-play, perhaps with a block or two to keep her occupied for the duration of the party. My friend explained that her daughter only ever napped in the pack-n-play when they went places and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. I think about it now and laugh hysterically about what it would look like to try and enclose Charlotte in a pack-n-play. If only it were that simple, my friends. The only other option for us is to do things that are toddler-centered. So we go to swim lessons, anywhere with dog-poop-free grassy areas, or gymnastics as we prepare for hibernation upon the arrival of our second child, which is where we shall stay until our children are 3 or until everyone we know invests in two child-sized safety pods. Whichever comes first. 

How to Back Talk the Baby Talk

Since this is not my first rodeo, I am well versed in the grossly inappropriate things that are said to pregnant women. As if we are not feeling vulnerable enough, we also get to put up with a wide range of verbal digs. Luckily, my arsenal of retorts is no longer empty and I will never be caught off guard again. I have prepared some equally caustic statements that are bound to make you feel just as uncomfortable as we do when you say any of the following.

1). What are you going to name him/her?

Keep your lips sealed! It’s a trap.

This is the part where you tell me about your estranged cousin (enter your unborn child’s name here) that accidentally ran over your neighbor’s dog and now that name will forever remind you of that one summer you two kissed.

2). Are you sure it’s not twins.

“You are looking a little bloated yourself. When was your last BM?”

3). Can I touch your stomach?

“Can I feel your boobs? Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was just a game we were playing called strangers that touch each other’s body parts.”

4). Were you hoping for a boy this time?

I like to get really spiritual here and say something like, “I prefer not to question God’s plan.”

There's nothing like throwing around the “G” word that makes people squirm and quickly change the subject.

5). How are you feeling?

This one is tricky because some people genuinely care, while others only want to use this as a gateway to overshare their pregnancy horror stories. Read the room and use your Mommy’s intuition, after all that’s what it’s there for.

Option a. “I feel OK, thank you for asking!”

Option b. “How are you feeling? Have you recovered from you pregnancy?”

You’d be surprised how many women with children in their 40’s take the bait.

6). Are you going to get an epidural?

“Are you a donor? Have you ever signed a DNR?”

Too personal? My point exactly.

These are the ones I've heard the most. Feel free to create your own list and don’t forget to share these snarky comebacks with as many preggos as you know. United, we can end the absurdity. Because people, I’m about to raise 2 daughters and I’d like them to grow up in a world where the only thing pregnant women ever hear from the peanut gallery is, “Wow, you look great!”

Playgroup Pariahs: The Moms to Avoid

We quickly learn that motherhood is about survival, and if life was like Lost, certain types of Moms should quickly be swallowed up by the smoke monster.  As they say, "it takes a village to raise a baby" and we simply have no patience left for any of the following villagers:

The One-Upper Mother

The queen of all annoying Mother acquaintances has to be the one-upper.

“My daughter was walking at 10 months.”

“Mine actually just walked right out of me.”

Or, “She has 4 teeth now.”

“Mine is getting her molars.”

 Well bite me.

The Passive-Aggressive Bragger

 “Did your child struggle with sleeping through the night?”

“Yes, it took him FOREVER to get there. By six weeks old he was only sleeping 6-7 hour stretches and it was killing me.”

How terrible for you!

Or, “How did you lose the last 5 pounds of baby weight?”

“Actually I only gained 10 pounds total so the doctor wanted me to gain weight after my pregnancy since I lost it all too quickly.”

We are no longer friends.

Dr. Mom

There are about a thousand things to worry about each day of parenthood. Did they get enough vegetables? Why aren’t their poops ever the same color? The whole purpose of Mom friends is to take turns telling each other:

a. It will be alright b. That’s totally normal.

One type of mother clearly missed the memo.

“I have to change my daughter’s diaper standing up because she won’t lay down.”

“Oh that’s weird.”

Or, “Should I be worried that my one year old Megan still isn’t saying anything?”

“Yeah, I would definitely check that out with your pediatrician.”

Why do I need to, clearly you have all the right answers.

The One-Way Conversationalist

These Moms have obviously spent too much time around children who are not yet verbal. No matter where you are the conversation becomes a vacuum that always sucks you back around to them and their family.

“My cousin just got married in Hawaii. It was really beautiful.”

“We are going to the Bahamas again over Christmas break to renew our wedding vows.”

Or, “My dog is really sick. I’m not sure if he is going to make it.”

“We cannot have pets because Charlie is allergic.”

You have the social tact of your toddler.

I simply have too much love for this girl to subject her to any unnecessary noise. 

If you spot any of the aforementioned Moms out in the world strolling with their children, I suggest that be the moment you and your baby take up power jogging.