Proceed with Caution

My baby is now walking. I can no longer even call her a baby since she is officially a child who toddles. Several months ago my sister in-law sent me a picture of a safety helmet for a baby to wear around the house. She said she was looking for baby proofing items to register for and laughed out loud when she came across this. 

http://www.amazon.com/Jolly-Jumper-Bumper-Toddler-Cushion/dp/B003KVWKZO/ref=sr_1_1?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1422935317&sr=1-1&keywords=toddler+safety+helmet

I showed it to my husband while he shook his head and I giggled excessively at the name, “Jolly Jumper Bumper Bonnet” which, from a marketing standpoint is pure genius, because you and I both know we are looking at a helmet. It’s like calling a baby leash a “child safety tether”.

I want to say that only severely over-cautious parents (10s on the anal retentive scale of worry) would ever purchase this for a child. If you recall from my previous blogs, I am holding strong at a 5. However, it is taking every ounce of my will power not to buy this for Charlotte, who in her new walking mode, looks like a baby giraffe discovering its legs. A helmet seems like a more practical safety solution than turning my house into one big padded cell.  I would go to the ends of the Earth to keep my child safe: top of the line car seats, outlet covers, toilet seat locks, vaccinations and perhaps even the Jolly Jumper Bumper Bonnet. It’s in my Amazon cart and I am only one more trip or bump away from ordering it. Where do we draw the line on baby proofing and safety? Regardless of where that line is, one thing I know for certain, Charlotte will still manage to trip over it.

Lessons Learned

Mommy school has been in session for over 11 months now and here's what I've learned so far...

1). My love has no limit but my patience does

Charlotte will shriek eight to ten times in a half hour period, at an octave that could shatter glass. It is not cute or fun, but she has one dimple and I love her.

2). Opinions are like poopers, everyone has one

Please tell me all about your secret recipe to increase my milk supply. It sounds delicious!

3). There is no such thing as the perfect anything

Mother, baby, 1st birthday party. Leave wiggle room for error and throw a dance party for the small victories.

4). I am madly in love with my family

I don’t believe in "better halves" or in couples becoming “complete” when they get married or have a family. These clichés should be left to bad country songs where they belong. I love that there is now a person in this world who is half me and half my husband and that's a fraction I am comfortable with. 

5). Children put everything in perspective

Whether it is a petty fight about the organization of the silverware drawer or thinking about losing my grandpa this year, when I blow on Charlotte’s tummy and she laughs, I know I’ve struck some sort of gold nirvana and I allow myself to just feel happy.

6). Pain is a relative term

I no longer believe in the concept of “I can’t”. Motherhood has made me feel superhuman and I am therefore limitless.

7). There shouldn’t be a timeline for happiness

This year I turned 30 and I have heard too many times, “…when the baby comes” "...by the time I’m.....” “...when I have my ducks in a row”. How about now?  Now, feels pretty damn good people.

 

When Charlotte makes this face she's about to put something inedible in her mouth (in this case a leaf).

8). I need to give myself a break

Today I yelled at my daughter for shrieking too much, which makes about as much sense as spanking a child for hitting. This of course made her cry and now I feel like what I just wiped off her bottom. Kindly refer to #3.

9). Sometimes life isn’t fair

 The fact that Parenthood is in its final season makes me cry like I’m watching an episode of Parenthood. There have been 28 seasons of The Bachelor, but Parenthood only gets 6?

10). If my daughter thinks I’m funny, that’s all I need

Yesterday my daughter poked me in the boob and giggled for a minute. I will always come in a close second to our dogs but I've made my peace with that.

11). Becoming a mother has changed me

I’ve found that even in the darkest crevasses of motherhood, I’ve learned something new about myself. I am less anxious but more scared; softer and yet stronger. I'm kinder because my sarcasm is now more passive than aggressive and (fingers crossed) more influential. 

I realize my mommy education has only just begun and whether it inspires me toward wit, wisdom or wretchedness, stay tuned for more milestones and meltdowns.

Unsolicited New Mommy Advice

Clear you calendars and your agenda because there is literally no way to mentally prepare yourself for becoming a parent. For all my new parents (to be), this one is for you.

Take it one day at a time, one baby at a time

In the throes of the most difficult parts of mommyhood I kept thinking, there is no way I can do this again. This is what I fondly refer to as “the mommy spiral” where you start off crying about the baby being hungry and then you quickly find yourself balling about all the hungry children in the world you can’t feed.  I was the queen of catastrophizing. Do yourself a favor and don’t make any major plans during this time. Limit yourself to the right here and now.

Require friends and family to bring food.

Think Jesus and the wise men, but with casseroles instead of frankincense. While it is wonderful that your family wants to come and coo over your new baby, make sure they don’t arrive empty handed. As I was being discharged from the hospital, the nurse told me to require guests to bring a dish or perhaps wash some upon arrival. I thought she was being funny so I laughed (even though it hurt) and she explained that she was serious. I can barely remember the first two days but I do remember those visitors who brought lasagna.

Breastfeeding, next to sleep deprivation is by far the hardest part of motherhood.

Breastfeeding requires you to be more selfless than you ever thought possible. You feel like just because you have boobs it will come to you naturally and if you don’t know surely the baby will. I love that my generation has embraced that breastfeeding is best. There is even a hashtag on Twitter and Instagram #breastfeedingselfie. While I won’t be posting a selfie, you better believe I am patting myself on the back for providing breast milk for my daughter for the first year of her life.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help and give yourself credit (or a cookie)

It’s tempting as a mother to believe that because you carried your baby all by yourself for 9 months that you can do it all. You are amazing, that's for sure. But the moment that I found the greatest relief was when I said out loud, “I need help”. You will find that everyone you love is more than thrilled to come to your aid.

It feels like next to everyone asking you how you/they are sleeping, they always come with a nugget of wisdom, myself included. You will be offended, confused, frustrated and grateful all in the same breath. Treat all advice about parenting like a buffet: take what you need and leave the rest.

Because clearly, I'm doing it right.