Unsolicited New Mommy Advice

Clear you calendars and your agenda because there is literally no way to mentally prepare yourself for becoming a parent. For all my new parents (to be), this one is for you.

Take it one day at a time, one baby at a time

In the throes of the most difficult parts of mommyhood I kept thinking, there is no way I can do this again. This is what I fondly refer to as “the mommy spiral” where you start off crying about the baby being hungry and then you quickly find yourself balling about all the hungry children in the world you can’t feed.  I was the queen of catastrophizing. Do yourself a favor and don’t make any major plans during this time. Limit yourself to the right here and now.

Require friends and family to bring food.

Think Jesus and the wise men, but with casseroles instead of frankincense. While it is wonderful that your family wants to come and coo over your new baby, make sure they don’t arrive empty handed. As I was being discharged from the hospital, the nurse told me to require guests to bring a dish or perhaps wash some upon arrival. I thought she was being funny so I laughed (even though it hurt) and she explained that she was serious. I can barely remember the first two days but I do remember those visitors who brought lasagna.

Breastfeeding, next to sleep deprivation is by far the hardest part of motherhood.

Breastfeeding requires you to be more selfless than you ever thought possible. You feel like just because you have boobs it will come to you naturally and if you don’t know surely the baby will. I love that my generation has embraced that breastfeeding is best. There is even a hashtag on Twitter and Instagram #breastfeedingselfie. While I won’t be posting a selfie, you better believe I am patting myself on the back for providing breast milk for my daughter for the first year of her life.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help and give yourself credit (or a cookie)

It’s tempting as a mother to believe that because you carried your baby all by yourself for 9 months that you can do it all. You are amazing, that's for sure. But the moment that I found the greatest relief was when I said out loud, “I need help”. You will find that everyone you love is more than thrilled to come to your aid.

It feels like next to everyone asking you how you/they are sleeping, they always come with a nugget of wisdom, myself included. You will be offended, confused, frustrated and grateful all in the same breath. Treat all advice about parenting like a buffet: take what you need and leave the rest.

Because clearly, I'm doing it right. 

The Language of Perpetual Interruption

Over the weekend we celebrated my grandpa's 90 years of life together as a family. This means almost all of my 15 cousins, aunts and uncles came together with a combine total of 35 people and 3 little ones, including Charlotte. I absolutely love visiting with my family and catching up on their lives. This is not what it looks like, however, when you have a baby that is mobile. We have reached the phase of broken conversations: I’ll be right back, sorry we have to go, sorry, sorry, sorry. We will never be able to participate in the same way and you can only ever be half listening. This is an entirely new form of conversational ping pong and it is exhausting.

The center of my universe and all my conversations. 

It wasn’t until I had my mommy group over on Monday and we were all together in Charlotte’s playroom that I was truly able to “visit” with anyone. But this was only because we were all speaking the exact same language: You never start a story over, you laugh at yourself and how ill equipped you feel to be in charge of another human life, and you never, ever need to apologize. It is the forgivable language of perpetual interruption that mommies are fluent in from the moment their baby is born. If you get through a whole story without your child stealing a toy, rooting through another baby’s diaper bag for novel treats and car keys, or toddling into a danger zone, you do a mini victory dance in your head and just hope it was a good enough story that perhaps even got a laugh. This is the new version of “adult conversation”. When they say that your child becomes the center of your universe, they are not kidding. You sit in a circle with your babies in the middle like a buffered mush pot and all talk around them and yet always about them. My most important piece of advice is this: recognize that this is your new form of communication, let go of the guilt associated with it and accept that you will barely complete a thought let alone a 

Never Say Never

Here are some things I said I would never do as a mom. Save yourself some apologizes and never say never, my friend. I’ve even blogged about these very things. But I’m only human and I’ve learned that moms are allowed to be fallible since every day is a trial by fire.

1). JUDGE OTHER MOMS

I am guilty of this from just this morning! I was jogging with Charlotte and a mom in a minivan (speaking of judgment) pulled up to her house with two child’s cups and a happy meal bag from McDonald’s at 8:00am. I tripped and caught myself; Mommy Karma can be a real b. 

2). USE MY JOGGING STROLLER FOR JOGGING

I said that running was my “me time” and the stroller should be used for walks only. Enter 2015 and it turns out the only thing more Zen than running without my baby is feeling like super mom while running with her.

3). TELL MY BIRTH STORY TO PREGNANT MOMS

I can’t even remember if they asked to hear it. I think it is the most beautiful story in the world because it is how Charlotte came to be. But when I joke about the excessive nudity and the number of strangers checking out your lady parts, oddly enough, they find it more terrifying than funny.

4). BE BORED AT OTHER WOMEN’S BABY SHOWERS

I refuse to wear hats or ohh and ahhh in an octave meant for dog discipline, but I will eat cake. It is simply impossible for me not to have a running dialogue in my head that checks off all the presents which are completely impractical for newborns. My favorite is when they are purchased off their registry. That segue ways nicely into #5. 

5). DO THE CONDESCENDING SMUG-MOM LOOK

While, “Just you wait and see” is not my new catch phrase, it is quickly becoming a part of my vocabulary. When a pregnant mom says to me, “Why do you need so much stuff?” it just comes flying out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea. I don’t want to say I told you so in 2 months, but a dark part of me really does.

I no longer have any room in my life to say never. Parenting is a moving target.  If you are lucky, one day you catch up, only to realize the target walks, talks and now wants to chase you. 

I never thought a car seat could cost more than I paid for a month's rent in college.