If You Build It, She Will Run

Christmas is the most wonderful time of year! Along with the joy and general merriment, it is the time when our children teach us one very important lesson: buy them a toy and they will play with the box. I continue to learn this lesson over and over again in various forms. Charlotte is not old enough to believe in Santa or understand that the holiday season is upon us, but she does light up like a Christmas tree every time I open the door to the bathroom. That’s right, the bathroom, which is attached to the enormous playroom we have created just for her, with enough toys to rival Santa's workshop. Never mind Disneyland folks, we have found Charlotte’s happiest place on Earth.

Many mom friends admitted that it was just easier to forgo putting up a Christmas tree than to watch their toddler attempt to climb it while choking on various reindeer ornaments. This is not a hostage negotiation. I refuse to live in a world which is one hundred percent dictated by a tiny human that cannot yet locate her nose. My husband assured me he could design something to keep Charlotte away from the tree. While he was building a glorious tree guard contraption, I took Charlotte over to the tree. My daughter has never showed fear of any kind. She goes to any person, laughs when our dogs play fight and would body surf down the stairs (if I let her). My husband is an hour and a half into this project and Charlotte reaches out to touch the tree like Sleeping Beauty with the spindle. Immediately she pulls her hand back, cries out, and rushes for my lap to hide her face. By this point my husband is knee deep in wrapping paper and I don’t have the heart to say that the whole project might not be necessary. 

I sit in the once living room/now playroom while Charlotte chews on the child proof latch that she removed in the bathroom. I try and take a picture of Charlotte by the Christmas tree and she reaches 4G while "running" away. We make plans and Baby laughs.

It's Not Like Hoarding Cats

What is it about beginning a new stage in your life that makes people immediately ask when you will move onto the next? Your first moments of marital bliss are peppered with paparazzi-style questioning about children. Have you thought about babies? Do you want kids? When do you think you will start your family? Or your feet are in the stirrups for a 38 week check and the gyno asks about your postpartum method of birth control. To this I answered, “Uh, my baby.” My doctor was not amused. I don’t think sarcasm translates well when you’re not wearing pants.

So if you’re me and generally speaking pretty snarky most of the time, when someone asks about baby #2, I respond with:

"I just really want to enjoy every second of my daughter’s childhood without having to think ahead to our next one."

It has just the right amount of bite and you will still be invited over to play. I haven’t trademarked it yet, so please feel free to use it as needed. 

The decision to have a second is, in a lot of ways, more real than the decision to have your first. With your first baby there was still a sense of mystery and wonder. When you decide to get pregnant again, you have finally figured out the dance and then someone hands you some flaming ferrets and tells you to juggle. Why do they have to be flaming you ask? You must not have children. 

With all of my free time, I started watching 19 Kids and Counting, where they treat having children like hoarding cats. I wanted to look at the extreme end of parenting in the name of market research and they don’t have a show called My Fulfilling Life Without Kids, unless of course you count The Bachelor. I always assumed we would have a big family, but after having 1, I realized they don’t come as a litter for a reason (those with twins & triplets, bless you). Each one is a big decision and I shall treat it according. Not to say I’m ruling anything out, but when you’ve already created the world’s most perfect child, how can you possibly improve upon perfection? We’ll get there someday, but until then, thanks for not asking.

A sibling? I'll have to really think that over.

The top 5 things that were created for children, by people that have no children

1). Onesies with buttons instead of zippers

If you have ever tried to dress a baby over the age of 6 months, it is physically impossible to button the buttons correctly on your first pass while they are flailing, crying, and attempting to do a somersault. It is like trying to reassemble a bomb that has already exploded, except instead of shrapnel its human feces. I swear they throw extra buttons without corresponding clasps just to get you to snap.  

2). The Bumbo Seat

Before I became a mom, I saw this and thought, how incredibly practical. It is a traveling highchair, I must have one! My daughter has chunky delicious thighs. The kind that are only lovable on babies. Since the age of 4 months she cannot fit one of her legs in that seat to save her life. Let’s create a seat that baby legs can fit through without promoting body image issues at infancy.

3). Cribs

It is commonly referred to as “baby jail” for a reason. First of all don’t tell me it isn’t safe to put bumpers in her crib, but then make it so her limbs will get stuck without them.  Any chance we could make cribs out of those alphabet foam blocks? Not only does my baby gnaw on the wood like we never feed her but she treats her crib like it is her very own mini mosh pit.

4). Newborn accessories

Anything other than long sleeve newborn sleepers (with zippers) or swaddlers are a complete waste of money for your baby’s first month of life. Jackets and matching outfit sets were designed by people that still venture outdoors and have time to take showers. Since your only trips out of the house will be for doctor’s visits, making sure your newborn is fashionable is about as high on your priority list as getting a bikini wax.

5). The Bassinet

Let’s design a giant basket with a bow on it that doesn’t swing and charge $200 to unsuspecting first time parents. Is it rock hard and a completely different height than your bed? Perfect! If you’ve ever watched any TV show where the characters have babies to further the plot-line, they hold their child for exactly 3 seconds and then offload them in a bassinet while continuing on with their lives as if nothing has really changed. If having a baby was anything like that in real life, then bassinets would be incredibly useful.

Want to challenge my list? Send me a photo of a newborn in a button down sailor outfit, strapped to a Bumbo seat with a beaming new mom out in public. Capturing that would be like getting a picture of Bigfoot, only slightly less believable.  

Why make this harder?