The top 5 things that were created for children, by people that have no children

1). Onesies with buttons instead of zippers

If you have ever tried to dress a baby over the age of 6 months, it is physically impossible to button the buttons correctly on your first pass while they are flailing, crying, and attempting to do a somersault. It is like trying to reassemble a bomb that has already exploded, except instead of shrapnel its human feces. I swear they throw extra buttons without corresponding clasps just to get you to snap.  

2). The Bumbo Seat

Before I became a mom, I saw this and thought, how incredibly practical. It is a traveling highchair, I must have one! My daughter has chunky delicious thighs. The kind that are only lovable on babies. Since the age of 4 months she cannot fit one of her legs in that seat to save her life. Let’s create a seat that baby legs can fit through without promoting body image issues at infancy.

3). Cribs

It is commonly referred to as “baby jail” for a reason. First of all don’t tell me it isn’t safe to put bumpers in her crib, but then make it so her limbs will get stuck without them.  Any chance we could make cribs out of those alphabet foam blocks? Not only does my baby gnaw on the wood like we never feed her but she treats her crib like it is her very own mini mosh pit.

4). Newborn accessories

Anything other than long sleeve newborn sleepers (with zippers) or swaddlers are a complete waste of money for your baby’s first month of life. Jackets and matching outfit sets were designed by people that still venture outdoors and have time to take showers. Since your only trips out of the house will be for doctor’s visits, making sure your newborn is fashionable is about as high on your priority list as getting a bikini wax.

5). The Bassinet

Let’s design a giant basket with a bow on it that doesn’t swing and charge $200 to unsuspecting first time parents. Is it rock hard and a completely different height than your bed? Perfect! If you’ve ever watched any TV show where the characters have babies to further the plot-line, they hold their child for exactly 3 seconds and then offload them in a bassinet while continuing on with their lives as if nothing has really changed. If having a baby was anything like that in real life, then bassinets would be incredibly useful.

Want to challenge my list? Send me a photo of a newborn in a button down sailor outfit, strapped to a Bumbo seat with a beaming new mom out in public. Capturing that would be like getting a picture of Bigfoot, only slightly less believable.  

Why make this harder?

My Other Children

Such a rough life

When you have a child, an unintentional hierarchy gets created and it goes: baby, you and your spouse, and then dogs. Macie, our cocker spaniel, decided recently that she needed to be more creative in getting my attention. I was washing the dishes with Charlotte in tow and Macie comes through the doggie door with a mouthful of animal and proceeded to proudly plop it on her bed. I like to think that I am a pretty rough and tumble girl; I have never worn makeup while camping and I would bait my own hook, if I ever went fishing. That being said I don’t do blood and guts in my kitchen. In one gagging motion, I picked up Charlotte and shooed Lola, our beagle, and Macie in the front room. I quickly went over to our neighbor’s house, because in my book, borrowing a cup of sugar and asking for help removing a dead animal carcass from your house is roughly the same thing. They didn’t answer. Back at home, hiding behind the couch made it unclear whether or not the animal had moved. I started panicking that it was injured, justifiably pissed and loose in the house. I opened the door to let Macie back in the kitchen. She ran in and picked it up. I told her to go outside, a command that I didn’t realize she even knew, since she is the pretty but dumb blonde in our family. She dropped the animal on the tile and ran directly outside. Good dog.

I called my pregnant sister in-law to ask for some advice. She said she would be right over with a shovel. I should mention that at one of our family functions we all took turns bench pressing her. Since I was already feeling like a helpless weenie, I called my vet because I wondering if there was some sort of home remedy I could spray in Macie’s mouth in case she licked Charlotte later that day or anytime in the next 18 years. My vet seemed confused that I was concerned for my daughter’s health and well-being and told me that for $1200 we could bring Macie in for a full sedated dental exam. I laughed into Charlotte’s belly, which made her laugh. I’m sorry did you say $1200? But what about Macie’s college fund? My sister in-law arrived and managed to dispose of the dead bird, while I wrangled the dogs and the baby, or rather, I pretended to look busy.

The next best thing to hosing Macie down and having her lap up Listerine was taking her to the groomers. While walking back to the car, we were at a stoplight and gentlemen leaned out of his car window and proceeded to leer in our direction. Oh brother, here we go.

“You have a beautiful cocker spaniel!”

I didn't really know what to say when of the three of us, he complemented my dog. If he’d hollered at me, I would have made a secret documentary while walking down a crowded city street just to see how many people I could outrage by the objectification of women (too soon?). If it were directed at my baby, I would have blushed and said thank you because after all, I created that life form and when someone calls her adorable what they are really saying is, you have great genetics and are a fantastic mom! Thank you for choosing to reproduce! But it was said to Macie. I guess I feel proud because as her owner I have succeeded in not allowing my dogs to look homeless and so I decided to put that in the win column. Thanks for the cat-call. 

Macie after the groomers

The Birth Story

Every single person I know is now pregnant and I can only assume it’s because I have really sold the whole parenting gig. Many first time moms will ask a mother about her birth story and are curious about the various options that are available. TLC has even opted to make an entire TV series about it, because what teenage boy doesn’t want to have their mom whip out that DVD the first time their friends come over the play video games? 

Do these sound familiar?

All natural, baby

These days you are only limited by your imagination when it comes to where you give birth. Labor may take place at home, in a tub, or holding onto a tree in the woods. These superhuman hippies believe if they tell enough people, eventually, someone is bound to give them a much deserved medal, or perhaps a (vegan) cookie. When I walk with my mother’s group in Davis and this topic comes up, it’s amazing how quickly our strollers get divided. Oh I’m sorry this path is only wide enough for moms that didn’t selfishly drug their babies at birth. 

Epidural me, Doc 

I’m not a fan of pain and I was told I get my baby either way.

The theatrical hero

Even at birth he was a stubborn child. Their labor was like 3 days long and they seem to remind their child every time they are just about to blow out their birthday candles. And 49 hours, a blood transfusion and one C-section later there you were… happy birthday to you!

The war veteran

Women in their third trimester should actively avoid the moms that describe birth as a battle scene. The words placenta and tearing should really be limited to Lamaze classes. Dads are generally not invited to share what it was like for them, sort of a no vagina no voice philosophy, but I overheard a dad tell another dad through hushed whispers, “There was a lot of blood, man. Like a lot of blood.” The only place where these accounts are appropriate is the Sex Education classroom with an audience of hormonal teenagers, ideally before prom. 

The ultimate goal of every birth story is always a healthy baby. I have found it is best to be proud of the decisions you've made in the delivery room and share them with the type of blind confidence that is our only currency in parenting. This is the first time you will feel completely ill-equip to be making such important decisions and trust me it won't be the last. Consider it your initiation.

I'm going to have to do what now?