They have me Outnumbered

Now that I have two completely mobile, completely toddler children, I feel completely outnumbered. Being the overachieving mom that I am, I signed both my girls up for a gymnastic class through the city. In the past, I’ve managed to keep Madeleine contained in the front pack, but this time I knew I’d have to bite the bullet and pay the extra $50 to have her participate too. One of the benefits of having my kids ridiculously close together means I can take advantage of classes clumped by their age groups, even if I have to get special permission. Luckily, powers of persuasion is one of my mommy super powers:

Poop goes in the potty.

No officer I wasn’t talking on my cellphone while driving, I was handing my daughter goldfish in the backseat. But aren’t they just adorable?

In all of my planning I didn’t actually think through the two of them and one of me concept until we arrived for circle time and it all went to hell in a circle shaped handbasket. Having children under the age of 3 sit for any period longer than 30 seconds requires a lollipop the size of their head or some sort of sparkly glittery disco ball which plays any music that makes adult's ears bleed. Believe it or not stretching will not hold my kids attention, especially when there is an obstacle course and trampoline directly behind where they are “sitting”. Once we actually got to play, all of the other moms were very concerned about “the baby”, the only mom not concerned was me because I know my second child can tumble with the best of them. Between Charlotte having to use the potty, Madeleine taking a spill down the trampoline and me not being able to tend to two children at once-- I was beyond thrilled when it was time for bubbles. The bubbles lured them into the same location for two whole minutes, which was just enough time to pat myself on the back and squint my eyes so the looks of sympathy could be blurred into looks of admiration. We left without any meltdowns and without having anyone say to me every mom’s least favorite phrase, “looks like you have your hands full”. They might have me outnumbered, but that just means twice the fun. 

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Why 2 Year Olds Make Terrible Babysitters

Sometimes I can see the appeal of having your children 10 years apart, so your 10 year old can be mommy’s helper as opposed to Charlotte’s current role: the ultimate baby antagonizer. Don’t get me wrong she can be helpful, loving, and sweet with her sister, but when I let them “play” the following shenanigans are guaranteed to unfold:

1). Playful rough housing that ends in using the baby as an ottoman or step stool.

2). Dress-up that leads to temporary blindness and the inappropriate bending of limbs.

3). Random toddler toy inspections that result in immediate relocation.

4). Drive-by kissing and hugging where no one can be left standing.  

5). Musical chairs with mommy’s lap where there can only be one winner. 

6). Following the Golden Rule that girls must always go to the bathroom in pairs.

7). The dedication and follow through my toddler shows in ensuring her sister “laughs ‘til she cries”.

8). A 50/50 shot as to whether or not the item in transit will ever make it to the baby.

9). Most importantly, ensuring the baby remains humble when reaching her achievements and milestones.

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Everything is a 10

There is no off button. No volume control, no mute. Everything is a 10. Every moment your toddler is awake they are experiencing emotions at a 10. The good news is this goes for frustration, but also excitement; anger but also joy. In case you are not yet living in this reality, or it feels like a distant memory, I will present some examples of a normal everyday scenario for a child and the scenario that would have to happen in order for an adult to emote an equivalent emotional response.

Excitement

Child: Anything that involves bubbles.

Adult: You found out you won an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii, and your parents offered to watch the kids.

 

Anger

Child: It’s time to get out of the bath.

Adult: You are standing in line at the DMV and your number is 102 and they just called 7.  

 

Anger

Child: It is time to leave the playground.

Adult: Your flight out of Alaska has been canceled and you are snowed in at the airport for two days.

 

Joy

Child: Anything that involves Elmo.

Adult: The moment you found out you were having a baby.

 

Anger

Child: They have run out of Puffs.

Adult: Your neighbors go out of town but leave their teenager home alone to throw an all-night rager, complete with house music and vomit on the sidewalk.

 

Frustration

Child: They have to share a toy with their sibling.

Adult: The cable guy strolls in during the last 2 minutes of his four hour window, on a Saturday.

 

The good news is every day for you with kids is also a 10.

The bad news is every day for you with kids is also a 10.

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