The Alternative Facts of Parenthood

In a time when it’s important to always encourage our kids to tell the truth, we have now been offered the ultimate parenting loop hole thanks to President Drumpf and his minions of destruction. My sister is about to have her first baby and so why be honest, when I can present her with “alternative facts” as it pertains to parenthood:

I’ve never gotten dressed in my kitchen, while arguing with my toddler that her Cheerios couldn’t possibly be “too spicy”.

My coffee is always hot by the time I get around to drinking it.

My family abides by the age-old rule, “Children should be seen and not heard”.

I've never put my child's socks on while using the potty to save time.

I’ve filed away all their “art projects” in alphabetical order from Amazing to Zootastic.

I always match their level of enthusiasm about Peppa Pig and Play-Doh at 6:30 in the morning.

My toddler is an effective self-feeder and never throws all her food on the ground and then complains when everything is “brokemen”.

I’m not on a first name basis with our Amazon delivery man, Philip, because I always leave my house to support our local small business owners.

My 16-month-old has never been found unattended at the bottom of our stairs practicing her version of anti-gravity baby yoga.

On a scale of milk-soaked, hoarders halfway house to immaculate, organized castle your house will always be the latter, especially when visitors surprise you with the pop-over (which never happens when you have a baby).


The realities of parenthood can be too frightening or just too ridiculous to bear, so let’s go ahead and build a wall around the truth and just never live inside it.

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