1). Urine Hell
“Did you bring a urine sample with you today?”
Yes, along with my 14 month old, I have brought along a cup of my pee, it’s in my diaper bag next to her sippy cup. Of course I don’t have one with me! But give me 30 seconds and I can wrangle you up some liquid gold, no problem, because if urine was currency, all pregnant woman would be millionaires.
2). Weight Management
Make sure you eat lots of fruit and vegetables! For those lucky enough to crave beats or quinoa, congratulations you are already on your way to being a fabulous mother. For everyone else bagels, cheese, and anything doughy are all that manage to stay down. The concept of “eating for two” is over; they tell most women to gain between 10 and 30 pounds during their pregnancy. 10 pounds? That’s adorable.
3). Ultrasound with Attitude
Returning to that instrument of torture that is my pregnancy bladder, when they told me to hold my bladder for a full 2 hours before my 20 week ultrasound, I already knew I would have to cheat. Since I took anatomy in 5th grade, I forgot the ultrasound technician would have visual proof of my misconduct so she made sure to sigh loudly and say, “Looks like someone didn’t follow directions”. I didn’t realize every ultrasound came with free snark and sarcasm. Now you are a speaking my language.
4). Frequent Flyer
I wish there was a punch card for prenatal visits where on every 3rd visit they’d give me a free (let’s just say decaf) latte or something. While I appreciate the level of care, I’m sure the doctor gets equally annoyed hearing my complaints as I get answering the question, How are you feeling? Is there a motherly way of saying, “I feel like crap”? If so, I bet it can be found in one of those prenatal books written by a male doctor.
5). Dude, Where’s My Baby?
For as many viles of your blood and times your legs go in the stirrups, they might throw in a few more ultrasounds for compensation. I was shocked to learn that they only do two ultrasounds, the last of which is at 20 weeks. So for 20 more weeks you are at the mercy of your hormonal imagination where additional limbs are being sprouted or better yet a whole other baby that they missed because there were only two ultrasounds!
If you haven’t guessed by this point, I’m pregnant again! The bad news is that it’s difficult to maintain accuracy while holding a toddler and aiming your throw up towards the toilet bowl. The good news, it should make for some very entertaining blogging material, enjoy!