The Birth Story

Every single person I know is now pregnant and I can only assume it’s because I have really sold the whole parenting gig. Many first time moms will ask a mother about her birth story and are curious about the various options that are available. TLC has even opted to make an entire TV series about it, because what teenage boy doesn’t want to have their mom whip out that DVD the first time their friends come over the play video games? 

Do these sound familiar?

All natural, baby

These days you are only limited by your imagination when it comes to where you give birth. Labor may take place at home, in a tub, or holding onto a tree in the woods. These superhuman hippies believe if they tell enough people, eventually, someone is bound to give them a much deserved medal, or perhaps a (vegan) cookie. When I walk with my mother’s group in Davis and this topic comes up, it’s amazing how quickly our strollers get divided. Oh I’m sorry this path is only wide enough for moms that didn’t selfishly drug their babies at birth. 

Epidural me, Doc 

I’m not a fan of pain and I was told I get my baby either way.

The theatrical hero

Even at birth he was a stubborn child. Their labor was like 3 days long and they seem to remind their child every time they are just about to blow out their birthday candles. And 49 hours, a blood transfusion and one C-section later there you were… happy birthday to you!

The war veteran

Women in their third trimester should actively avoid the moms that describe birth as a battle scene. The words placenta and tearing should really be limited to Lamaze classes. Dads are generally not invited to share what it was like for them, sort of a no vagina no voice philosophy, but I overheard a dad tell another dad through hushed whispers, “There was a lot of blood, man. Like a lot of blood.” The only place where these accounts are appropriate is the Sex Education classroom with an audience of hormonal teenagers, ideally before prom. 

 

The ultimate goal of every birth story is always a healthy baby. I have found it is best to be proud of the decisions you've made in the delivery room and share them with the type of blind confidence that is our only currency in parenting. This is the first time you will feel completely ill-equip to be making such important decisions and trust me it won't be the last. Consider it your initiation.

 

 I'm going to have to do what now?

I'm going to have to do what now?