The top 5 things that were created for children, by people that have no children

1). Onesies with buttons instead of zippers

If you have ever tried to dress a baby over the age of 6 months, it is physically impossible to button the buttons correctly on your first pass while they are flailing, crying, and attempting to do a somersault. It is like trying to reassemble a bomb that has already exploded, except instead of shrapnel its human feces. I swear they throw extra buttons without corresponding clasps just to get you to snap.  

2). The Bumbo Seat

Before I became a mom, I saw this and thought, how incredibly practical. It is a traveling highchair, I must have one! My daughter has chunky delicious thighs. The kind that are only lovable on babies. Since the age of 4 months she cannot fit one of her legs in that seat to save her life. Let’s create a seat that baby legs can fit through without promoting body image issues at infancy.

3). Cribs

It is commonly referred to as “baby jail” for a reason. First of all don’t tell me it isn’t safe to put bumpers in her crib, but then make it so her limbs will get stuck without them.  Any chance we could make cribs out of those alphabet foam blocks? Not only does my baby gnaw on the wood like we never feed her but she treats her crib like it is her very own mini mosh pit.

4). Newborn accessories

Anything other than long sleeve newborn sleepers (with zippers) or swaddlers are a complete waste of money for your baby’s first month of life. Jackets and matching outfit sets were designed by people that still venture outdoors and have time to take showers. Since your only trips out of the house will be for doctor’s visits, making sure your newborn is fashionable is about as high on your priority list as getting a bikini wax.

5). The Bassinet

Let’s design a giant basket with a bow on it that doesn’t swing and charge $200 to unsuspecting first time parents. Is it rock hard and a completely different height than your bed? Perfect! If you’ve ever watched any TV show where the characters have babies to further the plot-line, they hold their child for exactly 3 seconds and then offload them in a bassinet while continuing on with their lives as if nothing has really changed. If having a baby was anything like that in real life, then bassinets would be incredibly useful.


Want to challenge my list? Send me a photo of a newborn in a button down sailor outfit, strapped to a Bumbo seat with a beaming new mom out in public. Capturing that would be like getting a picture of Bigfoot, only slightly less believable.  


Why make this harder?